Premise: Stewart and Louie are two stoners who’ve somehow managed to live well into the zombie apocalypse. They now spend their days exactly as they did before, kicking back and getting stoned. Together with their neighbors they live in a world of the dead, making it by, day by day.
INT. BUILDING – DAY
Stewart stands at a 3rd story window of an old, abandoned,
school building staring out of it at a zombie standing on the
street below wearing a BLUE HAT. The room he stands in is
largely barren, filthy and dilapidated with a few random
pieces of broken furniture sitting around. Through the door
way behind him emerges Louie. Stewart continues to stare out of
the window.
Louie
Hey, man.
Stewart
What up?
Louie
What’re you looking at?
Stewart
That fucking zombie is still out
there.
Louie
Blue hat?
Stewart
He’s just loitering out there.
Louie
It’s weird.
Louie walks over and joins Stewart at the window.
Stewart
They’re supposed to be the walking
dead, not the…milling around dead…
Louie looks over and notices a dirty and stained couch on the
other side of the room.
Louie
New sofa?
Stewart
Yeah, I found it down on the first
floor.
Louie
Is that blood?
Stewart
Yeah, there was a dead body on it,
but it’s sterilized.
CUT TO
Stewart stands over the sofa with a lighter and a bottle of air
air-freshener, shooting a jet of flame over it.
CUT BACK TO
Louie plops down on the sofa.
Louie
I like it.
JERRY walks into the room accompanied by DALE. Dale is
covered in blood, with a dazed look on his face and thousand
yard stare, with a piece of glass sticking out of his arm.
JERRY
Hey, guys!
Louie/Stewart
Hi, Jerry.
JERRY
New sofa?
Stewart
Yep.
JERRY
Bitchin.
Louie
Who’s this dude?
JERRY
Pretty sure his name is Dale. I
couldn’t get much out of him.
Something about his wife being
eaten.
Stewart
Hey, Dale.
Louie
It’s nice to meet you.
Dale stands in place, staring around the room awkwardly.
DALE
Yo.
Louie
So, dead wife?
Stewart
Tough break, man.
DALE
Yeah.
Louie
You know you have some glass in
your arm?
DALE
It’s cool, my skin’ll grow over it.
Stewart
I don’t know about that, but…
DALE
Hey, do you guys have any guns?
Louie
Yeah, hold on.
Louie and Stewart stand up and walk to the other side of the
room, Louie retrieves a gun and a pack of cigarettes from a
desk drawer, hands the gun to Dale and pulls out cigarettes
for himself and Stewart.
DALE
Thanks.
Dale walks back to the sofa and sits down, cradling the gun.
Jerry joins Stewart and Louie at the desk as they light their
smokes.
Stewart
He seems weird.
JERRY
You know there were hardly any
zombies running around, maybe we
should go looting?
Louie
We already looted everything,
though.
Stewart
Yeah, and we’re down to our last
eight cartons of cigarettes. I
don’t even want to think about how
much weed we have left.
Behind Stewart, Louie and Jerry, Dale can be seen dropping to his
knees, crossing himself and shooting himself in the head,
spattering blood all over the sofa. The trio turn around
after hearing the shot.
Louie
Ah, shit!
JERRY
Why do they keep doing that?
The three walk over to Dale’s dead body.
Stewart
My sofa!
A few beats go by with Jerry, Stewart and Louie staring at Stewart’s
dead body.
JERRY
You guys wanna smoke?
INT. JERRY’S ROOM – DAY
Jerry, Stewart and Louie sit on three chairs passing a joint.
Louie
We have nine…we have nine…we
have ni-nine…we have….what do
we have nine of?
Stewart
To be perfectly honest, I totally
see where that dude was coming
from. I mean, I might kill myself
when we run out of weed.
Jerry jumps up in alarm.
JERRY
Holy shit! Did you guys hear that?!
Louie
….What?
JERRY
Are you guys sure there aren’t
anymore zombies in this building?
Stewart
No. Not really.
JERRY
I think I just heard something.
Louie
Something like?
Louie (CONT’D)
Like a zombie.
Stewart
Shit. You know what that means.
Louie
Zombie hunt!
Stewart
Alright everybody, grab your
scarves and machetes and lets do
this.
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
Jerry, Stewart and Louie stand with scarves wrapped around their
necks, all holding machetes.
Stewart
Ok, you, me and Jerry will go this
way.
Stewart points down the hall.
Louie
Then?
Stewart
I think that’s everything.
JERRY
Alright, everyone watch each others
backs. But also try to watch your
own backs at the same time. Just in
case.
Louie
I just don’t think I can do that,
Jerry.
Stewart
That doesn’t even seem possible.
JERRY
Just keep one eye on your back, and
one on everyone elses back.
Stewart
Jerry…you’re high.
Jerry laughs, and nods in agreement.
Louie
We must look so gay in these
scarves.
INT. BUILDING – DAY
Jerry, Louie and Stewart walk through the building searching for
the zombie for a couple of minutes. Stewart and Louie suddenly
become aware that Jerry is no longer a member of their
hunting party.
Louie
Dude! Where’d Jerry go?
Stewart
Holy shit, he’s gone.
Louie
How long has he been gone for?
Stewart
Could have been days.
Louie
Maybe he went in there?
Louie gestures to a doorway leading to a dark corridor.
Stewart
Yeah, maybe.
Louie
Check.
Stewart.
Obviously I’m not going to do that.
Louie
Why?
Stewart
It’s dark in there!
Louie
So?
Stewart
So…you go.
Louie
Fine.
Stewart
It is fine.
Louie
You think I won’t?
Stewart
I never said that.
Louie
I will.
Stewart
I bet.
Louie
But after I go in, you have to.
Stewart
Deal.
Louie looks at the dark corridor and takes a deep breath
before slowly and warily inching himself toward it. After
coming to within a few feet from the doorway he abruptly
turns around and faces Stewart.
Louie
Nah, I don’t want to do that.
From the darkness behind Louie Jerry appears.
JERRY
Hey guys!
Louie screams girlishly and whirls around, slashing blindly
with his machete, cutting Jerry’s head off. Jerry blood
splashes Louie, and the limp, headless corpse of Jerry falls
to the floor with a thump along with his detached head.
Louie stares at the corpse wide-eyed and slack-jawed for
several moments before Stewart walks over to him.
Stewart
Dude…
Louie and Stewart stare at each other.
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
Louie and Stewart stand side by side in front of a closed
door. Louie stares at the ground, glassy eyed, guilt-ridden
and shell-shocked. Stewart knocks several times before the
door is opened. Inside the room stands JENNA.
JENNA
Hey guys, what’s up?
STEWART
Hey, I’m afraid we’ve got some bad
news.
JENNA
Bad news?
STEWART
Yeah, you remember Jerry?
JENNA
No.
Stewart looks at Louie
STEWART
This might be easier than we
thought.
JENNA
What?
STEWART
Nothing. Anyway, uh, Louie you want
to tell her what happened to Jerry?
Louie is startled out of his daze.
LOUIE
He, uhh…he died.
JENNA
That blows. How?
LOUIE
How?! Goddamnit, why can’t you just
let sleeping dogs lie?! Nothing’s
gonna bring Jerry back! His fucking
head is off!
JENNA
What?
STEWART
Please forgive Louie, he’s just a
little distressed. He’s the one who
found the body.
Jenna looks at Louie apologetically.
JENNA
I’m sorry, Louie, that must have
been awful.
LOUIE
There was so much blood…
STEWART
But to answer your question, he had
his head cut off.
JENNA
Head cut off? By who?
STEWART
A zombie must have done it.
JENNA
They’re cutting peoples heads off
now?
STEWART
They must’ve learned to use
machetes…
JENNA
You’re telling me we have to worry
about machete zombies now? On top
of the regular zombies and the acid
zombies, and the rollers zombies,
and the tree zombies and the
falling zombies?
STEWART
God, tree zombies are the worst.
JENNA
How do they even get up there?
STEWART
It’s a conundrum. Wrapped in a
riddle. Shat from the ass-hole of
an enigma…Yeah.
Anyway ceremonies going to be about
40 minutes give or take. We still
need to roll him up. Down another
rug. By the way, might you have
some kind of liquid resistent
receptacle, roughly large enough to
store a severed human head? We only
need it for a little bit.
JENNA
I’ll go check.
EXT. HALLWAY – DAY
Stewart and Louie stand outside of a different door. Knocking
occurs. Much the same way they knocked on the previous door.
This time it’s RONNIE, spattered with blood with a hatchet in
hand, who answers the door, glaring at the duo with a manic
intensity.
RONNIE
Listen you motherfuckers. I don’t
know which one of you is doing it
and I don’t care, because whoever
it is – fucking listen up, douche
bags, because I went to a lot of
trouble to stock-pile those plastic
eating utensils when the shit went
down. I was the one with the
foresight to realize what a
commodity plastic eating utensils
would be! I’m the one who went
through the effort, I’m the one who
got stabbed and spit on! I’m the
one with the blood on my hands! I
did it! Not you, or you or anyone
else in this building, and I want
it made perfectly clear that when I
catch whoever is stealing my
plastic eating utensils…stealing
my plastic eating utensils, I will
cut their dick off and FUCK THEM
WITH IT!
Ronnie slams the door in Stewart and Louie’s faces.
STEWART
I can’t quite put my finger on it,
but there’s something about that
guy that puts me off.
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
Stewart and Louie stand outside of a different door, this one
adorned with words like “Go away” and “Justin’s Room” in
crayon and sharpie, as well as childish drawings of
defecating and fornicating and concurrently defecating and
fornicating stick people. Stewart knocks. Louie sniffs at the
air and grimaces.
LOUIE
I hate coming here, I can already
smell the masturbation.
STEWART
Smells more like piss to me.
JUSTIN flings open the door and stands awkward postured,
staring at Stewart and Louie with casual disdain.
JUSTIN
What up?
LOUIE
Smells like piss.
JUSTIN
My bucket had a hole in it.
STEWART
Got a keep your eye out for that.
JUSTIN
I knew the hole was there.
Justin shrugs.
STEWART
Right. Well, anyway, do you
remember Jerry?
JUSTIN
The cunt?
STEWART
Uhh…
LOUIE
Don’t you talk about Jerry like
that!
JUSTIN
Cool it, bro. The guy was a dead
beat, he still owes me from q-tip
poker.
STEWART
I’m sorry to hear you two weren’t
on good terms, but it might please
you to be informed that he’s been
decapitated
JUSTIN
Good.
STEWART
Service is gonna be in about a half
an hour.
JUSTIN
Can’t make it, I’m about to start
an All in the Family marathon.
STEWART
TV stopped working weeks ago.
JUSTIN
It’s all up here.
Justin points at his head.
JUSTIN (CONT’D)
From now on you guys try to
remember to bring me your band-aids
when you’re done with them,
alright?
STEWART
We’ll try to keep that in mind.
Have a nice afternoon.
JUSTIN
And also, if you see Jenna, tell
her I did eat her cat, but it was
dead when I found it.
Stewart and Louie stare in aghast silence for a moment.
Justin stares back.
JUSTIN (CONT’D)
It was dead when I found it! So she
can feel free to stop hurling
allegations willy-nilly like some
kind of medieval werewolf hunter.
LOUIE
You’re a fucked up weirdo, Justin.
STEWART
We’ll try to remember…
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
Stewart and Louie stand outside of a room with no door.
STEWART
Hey, Ben? You home?
BEN walks over to the threshold and stands in front of the
duo.
BEN
Hey, fellas.
STEWART
I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.
Stewart nudges Louie and gestures toward Ben.
LOUIE
Jerry’s dead, dude.
BEN
Oh shit, not Jerry!
Louie lights up a cigarette and shakes his head.
STEWART
Yeah, everyone’s upset. Really,
though, if such a gruesome tragedy
could befall one so beloved and
ubiquitously adored as…as fuckin’
Jerry, you know I what I mean?
Someone with so much to live for,
with so much to offer those around
him… It’s a tragedy the scale of
which I find hard to fathom, to be
quite frank.
Stewart looks at Louie and briefly grins at his friend’s
scowling face.
LOUIE
Yeah, it’s shitty.
BEN
I hear ya.
STEWART
Service is in a half hour.
BEN
Same place as last time?
STEWART
Yep.
EXT. ALLEY – DAY
Jenna and Ben stand by as Louie and Stewart strain to hoist a
rolled up human corpse rug taqito into a dumpster in an alley
behind their building. The duo finally succeed in shoving the
remains of a once pristine rug as well as those of their dead
acquaintance into the dumpster. Stewart and Louie stand side
by side and address the crowd.
STEWART
And so begins the memorial service
for Jerry…Jerry. Jerry was a
beloved neighbor, sort of. Kind of
a roommate. I guess. He was a good
smoking pal. He spoke once of
owning a hamster when he was a
child. Were that hamster alive and
here today I’m sure it would
express its remorse in whatever
manner is generally accepted in
hamster society. Jerry and I
weren’t quite close enough to be
friends, but I like to think we
would have become friends had his
life not been cut so tragically and
unfairly short. I feel Jerry would
have had a lot to offer us, were it
not for one disastrously stray
machete that ended those hopes and
possibilities with absolute
finality.
Stewart glares at Louie.
STEWART (CONT’D)
So, yeah. I’m done over here.
Anyone else?
Louie just stares at the ground.
JENNA
I wish I’d gotten to meet him. When
his head was still on. And he
wasn’t dead.
STEWART
Yeah, it would be pointless even to
introduce you two at this
juncture…
BEN
He seemed like a good guy.
STEWART
He certainly did.
Stewart nudges Louie lightly.
STEWART (CONT’D)
Nothing to say?
Louie just bows his head and shakes ‘No’.
STEWART (CONT’D)
Well, let’s go smoke.
Louie nods, but glances back at the dumpster and gazes at it
for a moment. He turns as the group begins to walk off and
follows after them. After they’ve walked some feet from the
dumpster Louie abruptly breaks ranks and runs back. He opens
the lid and peers inside.
LOUIE (WHISPER)
Sorry I cut your head off, bro.
He places the lid closed and runs to catch up with the group,
but stops and turns back once more, now hurrying over to a
the bowling ball bag on the floor. He picks it up, takes a
deep breath, closes his eyes, unzips, opens the dumpster lid
and upturns the bag. The contents fall with a thud.
LOUIE (CONT’D)
My bad.
Louie again races back to join the group. Upon arriving at
them he approaches Jenna and hands her the bag.
LOUIE (CONT’D)
Here’s your bag back.
JENNA
Thanks.
INT. STEWART AND LOUIE’S ROOM – DAY
Stewart and Louie sit on their new sofa passing a carved
potato pipe. Stewart is amidst an enthralling story.
STEWART
So I was just…just shitting all
over everything. All over my
slacks, the floor, the walls and I
was heaving and coughing and
choking and there were globules of
phlem cascading through the air.
And the smell of my shit finally
reached my nose and the smell was
so overpowering…it was like if
someone filled a sack with dead
cats and fish cum and left it in
the sun, and every other day some
diseased animal would come out and
piss in the bag, and it ate nothing
but goats milk and coffee mixed up
with powdered multi-vitamin. And it
would just piss like a liter of
this syrupy, pussy, rancid – but
there was like an omnidirectional
explosion of vomit, and the force
of the vomits expulsion was so
great that it propelled from my
rectum one last eruption of
diarrhea…and then that was
it….I laid there for God knows
how many hours, weeping, in a pool
of a cornucopia of the worst bodily
fluids….they said they’d never
let me ride splash mountain
again…
Louie stares at Stewart for a moment, eyebrows raised, face
blank.
LOUIE
How does any of that tie in with me
cutting someone’s head off by
mistake?
Stewart takes a massive hit and holds it for several seconds,
before exhaling. He shakes his head.
STEWART
I’ve forgotten.
THE END
