INT. TODD'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
The living room is spacious, with a tile floor a television
and a sprawling couch. It leads into a kitchen on one side
and a hallway on the other. BETH, TONY, PHIL and RANDY all
sit on Todd's couch with ANDREW sitting on a metal folding
chair in the middle of the floor holding a clipboard.
ANDREW
Okay, so when your friend arrives
here you need to be firm, but
gentle. We don't want him to feel
victimized.
TONY
Are we allowed to throw things?
ANDREW
Don't throw things.
TONY
Sweet.
ANDREW
The first thing we're going to want
to do is get him to admit he has a
problem. I know you guys have all
written down some things you wanted
to say-
Andrew is interrupted by the sound of Tony lighting up a bowl
of sticky green. He takes a massive hit, then passes it to
Phil, who eagerly accepts. Andrew stares at them.
ANDREW (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
Phil exhales his hit.
PHIL
I can't speak for anyone else, but
I'm gettin' motherfucking high off
this bumbleberry green-green cause
I got a feeling that things are
about to get intense in here.
ANDREW
This is an intervention.
PHIL
Exactly.
Phil and Andrew look at each other. Phil holds the pipe out
to Andrew.
ANDREW
No thanks.
Phil shrugs and hands the pipe to Randy. Andrew shakes his
head and gets back to business.
ANDREW (CONT'D)
Ok, moving on. I know we should
have done this earlier, but I think
it would be a good idea for you all
to rehearse what you were going to
say. Beth, why don't we start with
you?
Beth unfolds a piece of paper and begins reading from it.
BETH
Todd, we have been friends for
almost six whole weeks. I will
forever remember and cherish our
memories together. But I can no
longer ignore the toll your
addiction is taking on yourself, on
your friends and loved ones, and on
your community.
ANDREW
That's good, that's a good start.
Todd enters. He looks around in confusion.
TODD
Uh...hey, guys. What's up?
ANDREW
Hello, you must be Todd.
Andrew gets up and shakes Todd's hand then gestures to a
second folding metal chair near his.
ANDREW (CONT'D)
Why don't you take a seat, your
friends had something they wanted
to say to you.
TODD
Uh, yeah, sure. I guess.
Todd sighs and looks at everyone.
TODD (CONT'D)
So what's this all about?
ANDREW
Beth, why don't you start from the
top?
Beth takes a deep breath and reads.
BETH
Todd, we have been friends for
almost six whole weeks. I will
forever remember and cherish our
memories together. But I can no
longer ignore the toll your
addiction is taking on yourself, on
your friends and loved ones, and on
your community. Every time you
murder and eat a human being, it's
like we all die a little bit on the
inside.
At this point Andrew's face shifts as if he is trying to
decide what he'd just heard.
BETH (CONT'D)
And one of us dies all the way,
literally. Because you kill them
for food. You're losing your
humanity, Todd, and I can't stand
idly by anymore.
Silence. Andrew is visibly perplexed and disturbed. Beth
folds the paper back up and puts it in her pocket.
TODD
Holy fucking shit. This is an
intervention isn't it? I just
noticed the sign.
Todd points to a large banner pinned to the wall behind the
couch with the words "HAPPY INTERVENTION" written on it on
festive lettering. Also two helium filled balloons bouncing
against the ceiling.
BETH
Yes, Todd. That is what this is.
ANDREW
Wait a minute. What are you saying?
BETH
Were you not listening? You're
supposed to be the professional
intervener around here and you're
not even paying attention to what's
going on?
ANDREW
Are you saying this man is a
cannibal?
BETH
Yeah, that's why we're here.
ANDREW
You said he had an eating disorder.
BETH
That's correct.
PHIL
If cannibalism isn't an eating
disorder...I mean...
BETH
Yeah, like, what would be?
ANDREW
I'm not really sure how to go about
uh, are...you're not serious?
Everybody looks and Andrew for a moment. Phil breaks the
silence.
PHIL
I think we're building up some
pretty good momentum, I feel like
we should just keep on chugging
along. What do you think?
He looks at Andrew.
ANDREW
Uh...
PHIL
I agree.
TONY
Can I go next?
TODD
You guys, this is crazy, I don't
have a problem with eating people.
PHIL
We know. That's the problem. Tony?
Tony holds up his piece of paper and begins reading.
TONY
Two weeks ago, you came over to my
house to chill. It was fun, we
drank a whole fifth of schnapps,
smoked some premium purple chronic,
and kicked back. I thought we
bonded that night, I thought you
were one of my real, true friends,
but the next morning when I woke up
from my deep alcohol induced sleep
I found that you had stolen all of
my weed, my skeleton-riding-a
skateboard bong, all of the cash
from my wallet and had somehow
removed all of my toes without
waking me up. When I went over to
your house to try to sort things
out, you answered the door eating a
burrito. With my toes in it. There
they were, all mixed in with beans
and chicken and salsa. My toes. I
felt betrayed. Probably the most
betrayed I have ever felt in my
life. How am I ever going to trust
you again? My grandma gave me that
bong.
ANDREW
This is a set-up, right? Did they
bring back Scare Tactics?
RANDY
Loved that show.
TONY
My toes are wood now.
ANDREW
What the fuck is going on?
TODD
Come on, how could you guys
actually think I eat people?
Phil points to a large white-board with the words "People to
Eat List" written on it, followed by a series of names, some
of them crossed out, including: Phil, Randy, Beth, Tony and
Viggo Mortensen.
PHIL
Well that's kind of a dead
giveaway.
TODD
Oh, shit...all right, I admit it.
I'm a cannibal.
Tony studies the names on the whiteboard.
TONY
I was wondering what happened to
Marsha.
BETH
Why is Viggo Mortensen's name on
there?
TODD
I just saw Eastern Promises.
RANDY
Loved that movie.
BETH
Why is it crossed off?
PHIL
Alright everybody, let's get back
on track.
Phil looks to Andrew.
PHIL (CONT'D)
What should we do next?
Andrew takes a moment to respond. His eyes betray bafflement.
ANDREW
I'm not really sure what's going on
here, but if this guy is actually
murdering and eating people-
PHIL
He is.
BETH
He definitely is.
Everyone nods in agreement.
TODD
I've seen him do it.
PHIL
We're talking about you.
Todd shrugs.
ANDREW
-Then you should probably call the
police.
PHIL
Ya know...I like where this
intervention is heading so I think
we should just power on through
this. Let's save the police as a
last resort.
Andrew gets out of his chair and begins walking toward the
door.
ANDREW
Well, I don't know if it's really
necessary for me to be here anymore
so I'm just gonna-
TODD
Well, you actually can't leave.
Andrew stops half-way to the front door.
ANDREW
What?
TODD
The doors are all dead-bolted. You
can't exit the house without a key.
A key I have placed at the end of a
maze of tunnels underneath my
house. Tunnels filled with traps,
and starving, feral, pigs. You're
free to-
PHIL
I thought you just kept it in your
wallet.
Todd sighs.
TODD
Fuck! How did you know that?
PHIL
You told me once when we were hella
high. We were on our way out for
cheetos. I couldn't open the front
door. Remember?
TODD
Yeah, now I do.
PHIL
I was like: "Hey, man...the doors
locked."
TODD
Yeah. Yeah.
Todd nods.
PHIL
And you were like: "yeah, you can't
get out without this key." Then you
showed me the key. Remember? I was
like "That key?" And you were like
"Yeah, this one. This key that I
keep in my wallet." Remember that?
Todd nods some more. Phil takes a hit from the pipe.
TODD
Yeah. Yeah, I do...but I'm not
going to unlock the doors.
So...you're still trapped.
RANDY
When you say trapped you mean
like...we can't get out?
TODD
Fraid so, buddy.
PHIL
Well, we could break through a
window.
ANDREW
Jesus fucking Christ. What is this?
What is this?!
PHIL
Hey, man, calm down. It's my turn
now. I have some words I want Todd
to hear. From my heart.
Andrew runs off and starts trying to find a way out, trying
various windows and doors. Phil removes his paper and starts
reading.
PHIL (CONT'D)
I was willing to turn a blind eye
when you ate the mailman. I was
willing to look the other way when
you ate the pizza delivery guy. I
was willing to forgive you when you
ate my cousin. But when you ate my
dad...in my own house...and you
just left the mess there for me to
clean up for you. It's like you
don't even care. It's like you
don't even care what kind of person
you are anymore, or the affect you
have on those around you. You ate
my father. Ate him alive. And I had
to deal with that. You need to stop
eating people. I thought that maybe
writing a short poem about the
experience might help you to
understand how you made me feel.
Here it is: You ate my dad, and it
made me mad, you ate my dad, and it
made me sad. It was the opposite of
rad. It was really, really bad, and
I would be glad if you had not
eaten my dad...but you did. The
end.
Randy starts clapping. For a long time Randy's clapping is
the only noise made. Eventually he stops.
BETH
That poem was fucking retarded.
TODD
Don't listen to her, bro. I was
moved.
PHIL
Thanks, man.
Andrew walks back to the group and sits down in his chair.
ANDREW
I just checked the doors and
windows and we're actually trapped
in here.
TODD
Told you.
PHIL
Could just break a window.
ANDREW
Look guys, if this is all some kind
of sick joke you better fess up now
because it's not funny. I'm
actually starting to freak out,
alright. For real. Just...cut it
out.
PHIL
No joke, man.
ANDREW
I'm calling the police.
TODD
Your cell phones won't work in
here.
Andrew tries his cell, he fidgets with it in frustration. It
won't work.
ANDREW
How are you doing this?!
TODD
Technology.
PHIL
Randy, why don't you go next.
Randy nods to Phil and readies his paper for reading.
RANDY
I thought you were a cool guy. I
thought you were my friend. But the
night I woke up and found you
suckling upon a fresh wound I had
acquired earlier that day in a
bicycle accident changed all of
that. I remember that event vividly
FLASHBACK
INT. RANDY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Randy is fast asleep. Under the blankets by his legs there is
a man shaped lump, moving very slightly. Randy stirs to
consciousness and notices the shape. He throws back the
covers to reveal, Todd.
RANDY (V.O.)
I remember you, drinking my blood
like milk from a mother's nipple. I
remember the awkward look you got
on your face when you realized I
was awake.
Todd's mouth is open and pressed against Randy's bare and
bloody leg. His eyes go wide as he realizes he has been
discovered. He stares at Randy with an awkward, apologetic
and shamed look. Randy stares back in disgust and shock.
RANDY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The way we stared at one and other
in absolute silence for what felt
like hours.
Todd removes his mouth from Randy's leg, and places a band
aid over his naked wound.
RANDY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I remember when you broke the
silence by saying-
TODD
Sorry, I thought this was somebody
else's blood.
RANDY
Then crawled on your hands and
knees out of my bedroom and down
the hallway.
Todd crawls off of Randy's bed and creeps out of his room on
all fours out of sight.
BACK TO SCENE
Randy sits at the couch reading. Everyone listens intently.
RANDY
And I also remember a few other
things. I remember not being able
to sleep for more than a few
minutes at a time. I remember
locking my bedroom door and
propping a chair against the handle
at nights. I remember never feeling
safe, and always needing the lights
on. I remember those things,
because I am living them
constantly. And that's because of
you, Todd. For fear of you coming
into my room one night and drinking
all of my blood as I sleep. Or
maybe dropping all attempts at
subtlety and just bashing me over
the head, dragging me away and
eating me alive like you did Phil's
dad. Are you proud of yourself,
Todd? Are you proud of what you've
done to me?
Todd, shrugs and halfheartedly nods.
RANDY (CONT'D)
I still don't know how you got into
my house that night.
TODD
I was actually hiding under your
bed all day long.
RANDY
That makes it worse.
Todd nods.
PHIL
I'm officially calling for an
intermission in this intervention.
I'm gonna get a beer.
Phil walks over to Todd's refrigerator. He opens it for a
split second, slams it shut, spins around and pukes into the
sink.
TODD
You okay in there, buddy?
Todd walks out of the kitchen back to the couch and sits
down.
PHIL
There are about two half-dozen
severed heads in there.
Andrew abruptly stands and walks into the kitchen, looks into
the fridge, screams and bolts for the front door. It still
won't open. He runs back to the group, stopping next to the
white board in a panic.
ANDREW
I don't know what you sick, crazy,
degenerates are doing or why you're
doing it. I don't know if this is a
joke or if it's real, and I don't
care anymore.
As Andrew rants Todd gets up and walks over to the
whiteboard. He begins writing something.
ANDREW (CONT'D)
Do you realize that this is a
crime? Do you realize you're
committing a crime right now? I
could have you all thrown in jail
for this!
Andrew has written the words "This Guy" under the "People to
Eat" list and drawn an arrow pointing toward Andrew. He walks
away while Andrew continues his tirade.
ANDREW (CONT'D)
I swear on everything that is holy,
if someone doesn't let me out of
that door right now, I am going
through one of these fucking
windows!
Andrew turns around and sees Todd standing next to him with a
mallet, practicing his hammer bashing technique. He notices
the words on the white-board and the arrow pointing directly
at him. Todd stops swinging the mallet and glares at Andrew.
Andrew looks back. Fight or flight kicks in as Andrew turns
tail and runs.
BETH
I don't think this intervention
bull-shit is working. Didn't we pay
this dick-wad?
PHIL
Yeah. And I am most assuredly not a
satisfied customer.
TONY
Wasn't he supposed to cure him?
Isn't that what this was all about?
PHIL
That's what I thought, man. And I
don't think he did...
Todd chases Andrew in circles into the kitchen on one side
and out the other over and over again. Andrew grabs loaves of
bread and bagels and bananas to hurl at his attacker in a
last ditch effort at self defense.
TODD
Stop throwing things at me!
ANDREW
Leave me alone!
TODD
You're going in my belly, you!
PHIL
...Cause I'm pretty sure Todd still
eats people.
Andrew runs over to the couch in a blind panic.
ANDREW
Somebody do something! HELP!
PHIL
Hey, man... we're gonna need our
200 bucks back.
Todd finally catches up to Andrew and bashes him over the
head with the mallet. Andrew falls to the ground, bleeding
and unconscious. Everyone else stares in aghast silence. Todd
wraps his hands around Andrew's ankles and begins dragging
him away. He pauses. Looks at the group.
TODD
You guys can chill if you want. I
was about to start the first season
of Lost.
Todd pulls Andrew across the living room floor, around a
corner and in to the kitchen. The gang all watches from the
couch. Andrew's head wound leaves a streak of blood across
the tile. The gang can see him going through kitchen drawers
and cabinets retrieving various cooking utensils.
PHIL
I've never seen Lost.
Tony lights up the pipe. Todd walks out of the kitchen and
addresses the group, holding a can of paprika in one hand and
a meat cleaver in the other.
TODD
I'm about to have some dinner in a
minute, too.
He shrugs, turns around and gets back to his food
preparation.
TONY
...paprika...?
CUT TO BLACK
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