Monthly Archives: March 2011

Are You Afraid of the Dark Episode Review: The Tale of the Manaha

Season 5, Episode 7 –

The Tale of the Manaha as told by Gary’s douche-bag brother, Tucker.

So there’s this little kid who fucking loves the woods, named Jonah.

The woods. Fuckin' loves em'.

And he’s out here camping with all his buddies and their scout leader, an emotionally and psychologically abusive adolescent named Lonnie. All of Lonnie’s screen-time all seems to be him lashing out at all of the children who he’s in charge of.

"Books are for queers!"

Lonnie ANGRY!

So they’re out on a vision quest.

Who's got the shrooms?

On their excursion little Jonah consistently outclasses Lonnie in all catagories of outdoorsmanship, though only incuring more abuse. Eventually Jonah finds a cave where a half-naked Indian tries to warn him about Monsters. Douchey ‘Lonnie’ McDouchington comes around and steals a sacred statue from the cave and unleashes the spirit of the Manaha. Essentially a bunch of bi-pedal big-footian monstrosities.

This is a fair approximation of the Indian I saw in the cave

Desperately Jonah tries to convince someone of their danger, but all who hear his warning scoff and laugh.

"Monsters? In the woods? Psh! Do we look fuckin' retarded to you?"

"You're an asshole, kid."

Things start looking up for Jonah, however, when Lonnie is abducted by the Manaha and dragged off into the forest like a baby moose in the jaws of a Kodiak bear.

Despite putting up a heroic struggle.

Now all everyone’s freaking out because they think these bigfeet will kill them. And Jonah keeps quoting some guy named Oscar Butts.

"Lonnie must have been here, I found his whistle."

But, yeah, fuck. Those fucking Manaha are all up in everyones business. They fucking abducted a Ranger. Jonah is trying to lead his companions out of the woods, but their path is always obstructed by those piss-boner Manahas. Fuck those guys.

Anyway, yeah. Between scenes I guess Jonah reads The Secret because now he’s convinced that if he believes the Manaha aren’t real, then they won’t be. I hope that’s a bet you’re willing to wager all of your blood on, kid. The others don’t agree with him, but Jonah is seriously fed up with this bullshit.

"I've had it up to here with the cunts."

They go off into the woods and Jonah finds all of the missing people tied up in man-sacks hanging from steaks.

Looks like someone's getting ready to cook up a big ol' batch of dude-tea

Apparently the Indian did it. He was behind it all along. Let’s log this one down in the books, folks. What a twist. Astounding.

Had us all fooled, he did.

Jonah decides to Fuck you, Indian! He scares him back into his cave with his own magic statue.

"Destroy him, statue. This I command!"

and traps him inside forever. All’s well that ends well as Jonah is now promoted to Scout Leader and Lonnie demonted to Scout Dip-shit (now officially)

Fuck you, Lonnie.

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Pete: Wizard for Hire


               A cell-phone alarm goes off, PETE the Wizard laboriously
               awakes to the sound. He shuts the Alarm off, then promptly
               vomits into a trash-can. He washes the taste of vomit out
               with mouth-wash, which he swallows and chases with Vodka.

               EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY

               Pete gets into his car, lights a cigarette, puts on his
               Wizard Hat and peels out.

               EXT. BACK-YARD - DAY

               Pete and DAVE stand Dave's back-yard. Behind a nearby fence
               an incessantly barking dog can be heard.

                         He just won't stop. It's impossible
                         for me to get anything done. I'm on
                         like 3 hours of sleep a night
                         because of that thing, I can't

               Pete snaps his fingers. A bolt of lightening descends from
               the heavens, striking the dog behind the fence. There is a
               brief yelp, followed by an explosion of dog-parts. Blood
               spatters Dave's face, who stares at Pete. Pete holds out his

                         50 bucks.

               EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

               Pete stands across from a man holding a prescription pill
               bottle. Pete hands him the 50 bucks and takes the pills.


               Pete walks around town, brown-bagging a bottle of liquor. He
               downs some pills and drinks and smokes in a park as children
               play soccer near by.

               A soccer ball flies through the air, striking Pete in the
               head. Some little kids run up to grab it, but he lights it on
               fire with his Wizard Power and they run off screaming.

               Pete uses Wizard power to make a someone fall off their bike.

               Pete uses wizard power to make a bag of leaves he picked up
               off the ground look like pot, then sells it to a pack of
               middle-school kids and pockets their cash.

               Pete gets into bed. It's 2:30 in the afternoon. He polishes
               off the pills, washing them down with a sip of vodka. He uses
               his Wizard powers to turn out the lights before passing out.
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Vengeance of the Space Dinosaur: Spaceosaur kills! – Early Draft

               A scenic landscape, a comet descends from the heavens
               crashing into the country-side creating a glowing mushroom
               cloud and a tremendous shock-wave.

               EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY

               A young couple picnics in the hills, the woman is pregnant.

                         Well you know you're not supposed
                         to ride roller-coasters when you're

                         That's absurd, children love roller

               The SPACEOSAUR erupts into the scene. He smooshes the man's
               head to death with his space reeboks, blood sprays all over
               the pregnant lady and fucking everywhere as she screams. The
               Spaceosaur turns to the girl.

                                   PREGNANT LADY
                         Don't hurt my baby!

               The Spaceosaur sinks his claws into her uterus and tears her
               fetus from her stomach, the woman dies as she watches The
               Spaceosaur feasting upon her unborn child.



                                   GENERAL ROGER
                         Thor! Scanners have discovered an
                         extraterrestrial entity operating
                         in sector P-42. We need you to
                         track it down and eliminate it. 

               Thor shoots General Roger in the leg.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         That's Commander Laserpunch to you,
                         general douche-dick. 

               General Roger limps away crying. Thor gears up, preparing for

               EXT. STREETS - DAY

               MASTER ROBOT exits his car-spaceship on the streets of a
               city. He is immediately approached by a homeless man, seeking

                         Got any spare change?

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         The only thing I can spare... is

               Master Robot removes his laser-caster and destroys the
               homeless man. He walks away. He's wearing sunglasses. 

               EXT. HILLS - DAY

               The Spaceosaur stomps around like a dinosaur. And growls and
               shit. Um. He finds a puppy walking around he bends down to
               pet it, then he picks it up and puts it in his spaceosaur
               jaws. Puppy blood stains the hills crimson. Spaceosaur roars
               to the heavens as he holds the dead puppy aloft in a clenched
               and bloodstained fist.

               EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY

               Thor Laserpunch tracks the Spaceosaur to the scene of the
               picnic slaughter. He eats one of the blood spattered
               sandwiches for lunch. A laserbeam zooms through the air by
               his head.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Jesus FUCK!

               Thor whirls around, drawing his side-arm. In front of him now
               stands Master Robot. They aim their weapons at one and other.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH (CONT'D)
                         Who the fuck are you?!

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Master Robot!

               MORE LASERS! Thor dodges them, and fires his pistol hitting
               Master Robot in the chest. The bullets have no effect. Master
               Robot fires yet more lasers.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Stop shooting lasers at me!

                                   MASTER ROBOT

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         So I take it you're the alien.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         No, you're the alien!

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Bullshit, you're an alien.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         No, you are.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         You're on my planet!

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Your planet is an alien, too!

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         How dare you!

               They continue exchanging fire.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH (CONT'D)
                         Did you eat this baby?!

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         No, it was the Spaceosaur.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         I'm after the Spaceosaur, too. Why
                         don't we work together?

                                   MASTER ROBOT

               They both put their weapons away and shake hands.

                                   MASTER ROBOT (CONT'D)
                         I'm Master Robot, as I said
                         earlier. You are?

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Thor Laserpunch!

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Nice to meet you.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         You too.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Wanna burn a J?

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Of course I do.

               EXT. HILLS - DAY

               Two dudes sit on the tailgate of a pick-up, slamming beers.

                                   DUDE 1
                         A couch, a refrigerator box and a
                         tarp. That's all I need.

                                   DUDE 2
                         I like to put paprika on my brown
                         rice, spice it up a bit.

                                   DUDE 1
                         I'm going to pee somewhere far

                                   DUDE 2
                         I know it seems gay, but something
                         about my neighbors dog just does it
                         for me.

               EXT. EARTH - DAY

               Dude 1 walks a distance from Dude 2, he unzips he pants and
               commences urination. A sickening chomping sound is heard,
               Dude 1 looks down to see THE FUCKING SPACEOSAUR TOTALLY
               BITING HIS DICK OFF! And blood is spraying fucking
               EVERYWHERE! Dick blood. The darkest shade of blood.

                                   DUDE 1
                         My dick! MY DICK! A DINOSAUR IS
                         EATING MY DICK!

               Dude 1 falls over, dead from de-dickification. 

               EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY

               Dude 2 sits and drinks more beer. The Spaceosaur approaches.
               Dude 2 turns and looks at it.

                                   DUDE 2
                         Holy shit, a fucking dinosaur!

               Dude 2 tries to run but the Spaceosuar grabs him and hurls
               him into the truck, exploding his fucking head like a melon
               filled with human brains. Everywhere.

               EXT. HILLS - DAY

               Master Robot and Thor Laserpunch sit smoking a doobie.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         So why do they call you Master

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Because I AM the master robot.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Right on.

               Screaming is heard from the distance.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH (CONT'D)
                         Did you hear that?

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Of course I did, my ears are robot.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Is it the Spaceosaur?

               Master Robot nods.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH (CONT'D)
                         Lets rock n' roll this mother

               Master Robot and Commander Thor Laserpunch do a jump-five and
               run towards the source of the screams.

               EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY

               Thor and Master Robot find the dickless Dude 1, lying in the
               dirt in a pool of his own crotch-blood. Dead. Then they find
               Dude 2's fucking exploded head by the truck.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Holy cock, this Spaceosaur has a
                         thirst for murder beyond that of
                         any Spaceosaur I've ever
                         encountered before this Spaceosaur.

               SPACEOSAUR jumps out and punches Thor right in his fucking

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Holy shit!

               Master Robot draws his laser beam gun and takes aim.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         LASER FUCK!

               He shoots lasers at the Spaceosaur but the lasers have no
               effect. He must resort to break-dance fighting. They fight
               while Thor collects himself. Spaceosaur bitch-slaps Master
               Robot to the ground. Thor aims his fucking MACHINE GUN at the
               SPACEOSAUR and opens fire.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Burn in space-hell, fuck-ass!

               The bullets have no effect. Thor abandons his gun. Thor and
               Master Robot briefly fight the Spaceosaur, but the power of
               the Spaceosaur is too great. He drops Thor with a left hook
               to the liver, before turning and slapping Master Robots head
               right the fuck off. He then walks to Thor and hacks him to
               balls with a Samurai Sword. 

               The Spaceosaur stands, arms raised in victory. But then THE
               WIZARD is all like--

                         Wizard POWER!

               The Wizard kills the shit out of the Spaceosaur with Wizard

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         Wizard POWER!

                         They sent me from Wizard Planet.

               A Space Ship flies and shoots laser-beams at The Wizard, but
               the Wizard shoots Wizard-Beams and destroys the Space-ship.

                                   WIZARD (CONT'D)
                         Wizard POW-

               The Wizard is cut off when the SPACEOSAUR returns as ZOMBIE
               SPACEOSAUR and garrotes that dirty fucking wizard to death.
               Spaceosaur raises his arms in victory once more.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)

Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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