Monthly Archives: November 2011

Rise of the Dickinator: Short Script

EXT. PARK - DAY

               A GERALD sits on a park bench as the sun pierces dimly
               through an overcast sky. THE DICKINATOR approaches him.

                                   GERALD
                         Can I help yo-

               Gerald is cut off mid-sentence by The Dickinator's shooting
               of his dick with a gun. Blood spills from Gerald's crotch. He
               falls off of the bench and screams in agony.

               OPENING CREDITS

               EXT. PARK - DAY

               Gerald is still lying in front of the park bench. He rolls
               around and groans, soaked in blood. Detectives BACON and POOP
               stand over him.

                                   BACON
                         The annihilation of this mans
                         entire crotchial region is-is
                         staggering in its magnitude. I
                         mean, look at this. There's
                         nothing. There's nothing left. It's
                         ground beef. It's...it's catfood. 

                                   POOP
                         It's kinda fucked up, huh?

                                   BACON
                         This poor SOB might as well slap on
                         a pair a tits and start calling the
                         entry wound a vagina, cause...his
                         dick is...it's a write off.

                                   POOP
                         Dicks don't grow back.

                                   BACON
                         Dicks do not grow back.

               Bacon and Poop nod in concurrence.

                                   GERALD
                         I can hear everything you're
                         saying. I'm laying right here. This
                         is me, laying three feet away from
                         you, bleeding to death with no
                         dick.

               Poop and Bacon remain unresponsive toward Gerald's pleas.

                                   BACON
                         Get word to HQ, we need the meat
                         wagon down here with a fresh body
                         bag, stat. And tell em' I can't
                         shake the feeling we're gonna go
                         through quite a few of those
                         today....the smell of dick-blood is
                         in the air, getting stronger by the
                         minute. Can ya feel it, Poop?
                         There's a storm a-brewin'.

                                   GERALD
                         What the fuck, guys?!

               EXT. STREETS - DAY

               MONTAGE - SLOW MOTION

               The Dickinator walks down a sidewalk, lighting his cigarette.
               He's wearing a brown leather jacket, aviator sunglasses and
               he has a mustache. 

               Two hooligans, REGINOLD and PATRICK, smoking a joint in an
               alley-way look over as The Dickinator walks toward them. 

               END MONTAGE

                                   THE DICKINATOR
                         You fellas look like you got two
                         too many dicks.

                                   REGINOLD
                         Uhh....

                                   PATRICK
                         What?

               The Dickinator pulls his gat and blasts both these fools
               dicks off. They keel over, bleeding and crying in pain.

               The Dickinator eyes them both in disgust. He tosses his
               cigarette onto the ground and walks away.

               EXT. OFFICE - DAY

               Detective Bacon stands around eating a sandwich in an office.
               Poop enters the office.

                                   BACON
                         Hey, Poop.

                                   POOP
                         Hey, Bacon. There was a break on
                         The Dickinator case.

               Bacon throws his sandwich across the room.

                                   BACON
                         A BREAK ON THE DICKINATOR CASE?!

                                   POOP
                         Yup. Apparently somebody witnessed
                         the dick-shooting this morning.
                         Central command wants us to go pick
                         him up and take him in for
                         questioning.

                                   BACON
                         Sounds like a job for Bacon and
                         Poop.

                                   POOP
                         Word.

               Bacon and Poop perform a perfectly synchronized secret
               friendship hand-shake and a high-five. 

                                   BACON
                         Let's go find this witness, before
                         someone else does. Someone with a
                         much harsher disposition toward not
                         shooting people's dicks off. 

                                   POOP
                         You're talking about that guy that
                         shot that dudes dick off earlier?

                                   BACON
                         The very same.

                                   POOP
                         You think he knows someone saw him?

                                   BACON
                         Listen to me, Poop, I've been on
                         the job a lotta years and never
                         have I seen something like this.
                         Oh, sure, you get your random
                         firearm inflicted de-dickifications
                         from time to time.
                         Husband cheats on a wife, she
                         snaps, budda-bing, she shoots his
                         dick off. Hippy college kid drops
                         too many acids, takes off all his
                         clothes, looks down, holy shit a
                         snake! Budda-boom, and he shoots
                         off his dick. Eight year old boy,
                         finds his old man's .38; accidentally shoots his
                         dick off, shoots his dads dick off,
                         shoots his dogs dick off, I mean
                         sometimes things just get outta
                         hand. But those cases all made
                         sense in their own way. There's a
                         rhyme and a reason to em'. Our guy,
                         running and gunning through the
                         streets of our fair metropolis,
                         iron-sights fixed to the dick of
                         every man, woman and child in the
                         city. He's a mad dog. A dog mad
                         with a thirst. An unquenchable
                         thirst for blood. The blood of
                         dicks. 

                                   POOP
                         It's pretty fucked up.

               Bacon walks across the room and picks up the shattered
               remnants of what was once his ham sandwich.

                                   BACON
                         I'm gonna finish this, then we can
                         go.

               EXT. STREETS - DAY

               BOBOWL strolls down a side-walk. The Dickinator drives up and
               shoots his dick off and drives away.

                                   BOBOWL
                         Shit!

               INT. CAR - DAY

               Bacon and Poop cruise down the road. They see Bobowl lying on
               the side-walk.

               EXT. STREETS - DAY

               Bacon and Poop rush out of their car to the fallen man on the
               sidewalk.
               They stop short of stepping into an ever growing pool of
               crotch-blood. Bacon looks down at the crotchless man with a
               pained expression. 

                                   BACON
                         This mother-fucker! He's always one
                         dick ahead of me! I can't stop him,
                         he's too smart. Every time I think
                         I'm closing in, he shrivels away.

                                   BOBOWL
                         Can one of you guys please call me
                         an ambulance? Somebody shot my dick
                         off, and I'm losing a lot of blood.

                                   BACON
                         Another innocent's blood spilled on
                         the streets. My streets! Another
                         man's life ended before its time.

                                   BOBOWL
                         I actually think I'll be OK if you
                         get me to a hospital.

                                   BACON
                         All hopes. All dreams of living a
                         rich, happy life. A life abundant
                         with still having a dick. All those
                         dreams....now flowing in a crimson
                         stream, seeping into the asphalt,
                         and spilling into the
                         sewers....like a tear....in the
                         rain.

                                   BOBOWL
                         What the fuck are you talking
                         about?

                                   POOP
                         Bacon, get a grip. I've been your
                         partner for 18 years and we always
                         get our perp. It's just a matter of
                         time.

                                   BACON
                         You're right, Poop. I let my
                         emotions get the best of me. Let's
                         go find this dick.

               A voice sounds from Poop's radio, he reaches into his car and
               grabs it.

                                   POOP
                         What is it HQ? We've got another
                         body, here.

                                   BOBOWL
                         Ambulance?

                                   POOP
                         Holy shit, Bacon. Someone's seen
                         The Dickinator, we gotta roll!

               Poop and Bacon gaze at each others determined faces. They get
               into the car, clasp their hands together and peel out, never
               looking away from one and other. They leave Bowbowl for dead.

               EXT. STREETS - DAY

               Bacon and Poop's ride pulls up and stops in an empty lot.
               Bacon and Poop exit the vehicle and begin looking around.

                                   POOP
                         This is where gunshots were
                         reported.

               Bacon spies a shady looking character making his way into an
               alley across the lot.

                                   BACON
                         Over there.

               Bacon motions toward where he saw the figure. They look at
               each other, unholster their weapons and begin walking.

               EXT. ALLEY - DAY

               Bacon and Poop make it to the mouth of the alley in time to
               see The Dickinator approaching a homeless man sleeping in a
               pile of garbage. The Dickinator aims his gun at the homeless
               man's dick.

                                   BACON
                         Stop!

               The Dickinator notices Poop and Bacon standing at the end of
               the alley. He looks right into Bacon's eyes.

                                   BACON (CONT'D)
                         Don't you shoot that man's-

               The Dickinator shoots the homeless man's dick off.

                                   BACON (CONT'D)
                         Ah, Fuck! He shot his dick off!

               Poop and Bacon hurdle down the alley-way at top speed. The
               Dickinator fires a few rounds, forcing them to duck for
               cover, then takes off. Poop and Bacon are quickly hot on his
               heels. 

               EXT. EARTH - DAY

               Poop and Bacon furiously pursue The Dickinator who fires
               rounds wildly over his shoulder. Bacon is struck in the leg.
               He falls. Poop stops and kneels down next to Bacon.

                                   BACON
                         No! Leave me! Go get that
                         motherfucker!

                                   POOP
                         I'll come back for you.

               Poop stands and hesitantly begins chasing after The
               Dickinator once more. Bacon retrieves his radio from his
               jacket and tries to radio for back-up.

                                   BACON
                         This is officer Bacon, I need back
                         up at-

               A gunshot is heard from the distance. Bacon looks up in
               horror.

                                   BACON (CONT'D)
                         Poop...

               Bacon throws his radio away and fights through the pain of
               his bullet wound to stand. He begins limping toward the sound
               of the gunshot.

               EXT. COURTYARD - DAY

               Bacon rounds a corner entering the courtyard. Buildings on all
               sides, criss-crossed with paths and walk-ways. Bacon's eyes
               fix to something, filling with horror. He sees Poop. On the
               ground. Shot in the dick. Poop writhes in pain. Bacon drops
               to he knees and screams to the heavens.

                                   BACON
                         FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

               Bacon punches the ground.

                                   BACON (CONT'D)
                         You shot Poop's dick off!

                                   POOP
                         He shot my dick off, bro.

                                   BACON
                         Shit!

                                   POOP
                         You think you could, like, put it
                         back together?

                                   THE DICKINATOR
                         Detective.

               Bacon looks up and sees standing across the courtyard from
               him, The Dickinator.

                                   THE DICKINATOR (CONT'D)
                         I believe you've been looking for
                         me.

               Bacon stands up. He walks around Poop and squares off with
               The Dickinator.

                                   BACON
                         I've been waiting for this moment.
                         Your days of terrorizing dicks are
                         over!

                                   THE DICKINATOR
                         That may be, but not before I've
                         terrorized your dick.

                                   BACON
                         Hey, fuck you, guy!

                                   THE DICKINATOR
                         I'm about to make you wish your
                         dick hadn't been shot off.

               The Dickinator slides his jacket back, revealing his gun
               holstered at his side. Bacon removes his jacket to reveal his
               holstered under his shoulder. They mean-mug each other for an
               extended period of time, then draw. Then simultaneously shoot
               each others dicks off. 

               They both fall to the ground, clutching their groins. They
               hit the floor across from one and other and bleed to death.

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