Monthly Archives: April 2012

I’m a Werewolf, Bro!

INT. ROOM - DAY

               Brian sits on his couch in his cramped living room, smoking
               MARIJUANA from an empty can of SPRITE. He is seated on a
               couch situated across from a desk holding a lap-top and
               television. There's a forceful knock at the front door. From
               outside ROGER's voice can be hear shouting.

                                   ROGER
                         I'm a fucking werewolf, bro!!

                                   BRIAN
                         Roger?

                                   ROGER
                         Yes it's fucking Roger, let me in!

               Roger begins frantically pounding on the door. Brian shakes
               his head in disapproval and frustration. He takes his time
               getting up to answer the door. When he does Roger rushes past
               him into the room holding a bundle of rope. Roger is haggard
               and filthy. He's covered in bruises and scrapes, his hair is
               a mess and his clothes are shredded.

                                   ROGER (CONT'D)
                         I'm a fucking werewolf, bro!

               Brian stares at Roger, who stands panting, panicked and crazy
               eyed. Brian's face is a mask of incredulity. 

                                   BRIAN
                         I have a hard time believing that,
                         Roger.

               Roger begins darting from direction to direction, pacing back
               and forth. He violently shakes his head and grabs at clumps
               of his hair.

                                   ROGER
                         No, dude, you don't understand!

                                   BRIAN
                         Look-

                                   ROGER
                         No, you look! I was smoking with
                         some friends the other night, and
                         as I was walking home I
                         I...changed...

                                   BRIAN
                         Changed?

                                   ROGER
                         Everything went black. I can barely
                         remember a thing. Just thirst. An
                         ungodly thirst for...murder...

                                   BRIAN
                         The preferred beverage of
                         werewolves...

                                   ROGER
                         When I woke up I was in an alley. I
                         was covered in cuts and scrapes and
                         my clothes were destroyed...

                                   BRIAN
                         Come on, dude. You probably just
                         smoked laced weed like those other
                         times.

                                   ROGER
                         One time!

                                   BRIAN
                         Several times. Remember when you
                         were on the roof trying to cut
                         pigeons in half with an oar?

                                   ROGER
                         So like four times, but not this
                         time! Listen, this morning I read a
                         newspaper.

                                   BRIAN 
                         That is unusual.

                                   ROGER
                         No, dude, there was a story about a
                         murder!

                                   BRIAN
                         People are murdered every day.

                                   ROGER
                         But where I woke up was like right
                         where they went missing.

               Brian gazes at Roger.

                                   ROGER (CONT'D)
                         Or like 9 miles away-

                                   BRIAN
                         Come on, man!

                                   ROGER
                         A werewolf can cover 9 miles in
                         minutes on foot!

                                   BRIAN
                         On foot? As opposed to what? A
                         segway?

                                   ROGER
                         Why would a werewolf ride a segway?
                         Werewolves are way faster than
                         segways...

                                   BRIAN
                         Maybe it's crippled.

                                   ROGER
                         Werewolves can't be crippled, they
                         have a supernatural healing factor.
                         Brian, these are basic facts, I
                         can't believe I need to explain
                         these things to you.

                                   BRIAN
                         This is fucking retarded.

                                   ROGER
                         Plus, the corpse was covered in
                         shit!

                                   BRIAN
                         What the fuck does that have to do
                         with anything?

                                   ROGER
                         Everyone knows werewolves shit on
                         fresh kills.

                                   BRIAN
                         You're just making this up!

                                   ROGER 
                         You can't make up the truth, bro.
                         That's impossible. Now hold onto
                         your dick, cause I got even more
                         proof.

               Brian runs out the door only to return almost immediately,
               now holding a bulbous garbage bag in one hand.

                                   ROGER (CONT'D)
                         I woke up in an alley surrounded by
                         these.

               Roger upturns a garbage bag full of dead half-eaten fish and
               empty fried chicken receptacles.

                                   BRIAN
                         What the fuck is wrong with you
                         dude! Don't just pour trash on my
                         floor!

                                   ROGER
                         It's not trash! Or, it is...how do
                         you not understand what this
                         means?!

                                   BRIAN
                         You smoked angel dust and spent all
                         night eating trash in alleyways
                         across town? It's a miracle you
                         weren't robbed, or murdered or
                         raped.

                                   ROGER
                         That's insane. Who would rape a
                         werewolf? Who could rape a
                         werewolf?

                                   BRIAN
                         Another werewolf could, or a yeti,
                         or a Minotaur, chupacabra. 

                                   ROGER
                         Two of those things are imaginary,
                         the only way a chupacabra could
                         ever rape a werewolf would be
                         through subterfuge and trickery,
                         and counting me there are probably
                         only like 15 werewolves in the
                         whole of the Americas, and
                         therefore it would be very unlikely
                         for there to be another in the same
                         proximity.

                                   BRIAN
                         But it is possible you were roofied
                         by a chupacabra? 

                                   ROGER
                         Start take this shit seriously,
                         dude!

                                   BRIAN 
                         For fucks sake...

                                   ROGER
                         Dude, I woke up covered in blood.
                         This shit is for real.

                                   BRIAN
                         Could it have been from all those
                         cuts you have all over your body?

                                   ROGER
                         No, I must have killed someone. If
                         I concentrate really hard I get
                         flashes. I keep remembering this
                         old homeless guys face...I think I
                         ate him.

                                   BRIAN
                         Or maybe you just got your ass
                         kicked by a hobo crack-head.

                                   ROGER
                         I've had it up to here with your
                         wild theories, Brian. Stop trying
                         to cloud the issue, my being a
                         werewolf is what we need to be
                         focusing on.

               Brian glares at Roger. 

                                   ROGER (CONT'D)
                         Alright man, I'm done trying to
                         convince you, just humor me.
                         Please. Tie me up. If I don't turn
                         into a werewolf you can untie me
                         and I'll go. I promise.

               Roger puts his hands together as though petitioning for mercy
               Brian continues to glare at him for several more seconds, but
               finally relents.

                                   BRIAN
                         Fucking fine.

               Roger sighs in relief.

               INT. BRIAN'S ROOM - DAY

               Roger is now roped securely to a wood chair across the room
               from Brian who fiddles around on his LAPTOP. 

                                   ROGER
                         So, hypothetically, if my scrotum
                         were to start itching-

                                   BRIAN
                         You'd be on your own.

               Brian takes a hit from his SPRITE pipe and continues messing
               around on his computer.

                                   ROGER
                         Hey, man. Do you think I can get a
                         hit of that?

                                   BRIAN
                         Yeah, fine.

               Brian takes another hit before getting up and walking over to
               Roger. 

                                   BRIAN (CONT'D)
                         Hold still.

               Brian puts the SPRITE CAN WHICH IS A PIPE to Roger's mouth
               and lights. Roger inhales for a few moments before abruptly
               coughing, and spewing the contents of the pipe into the air
               in a puff of weed crumbs and ash. Brian forlornly watches the
               contents of his can-pipe slowly drift to the groun.

                                   BRIAN (CONT'D)
                         Come on, man!

               Roger coughs a few times.

                                   ROGER
                         I'm sorry, bro!

                                   BRIAN
                         It was my last bowl!

                                   ROGER
                         I said I was sorry!

                                   BRIAN
                         You owe me a bowl.

                                   ROGER
                         I swear I'll get you back.

                                   BRIAN
                         That's what you always say.

                                   ROGER
                         Sorry.

                                   BRIAN
                         Whatever.

               Brian tosses the can and sits back down at his desk. With a
               few clicks starts a movie. From across the room Roger strains
               to fix his eyes to the inconveniently located monitor. He
               gazes at Brian for a moment.

                                   ROGER
                         Hey, man. You think you could turn
                         the screen my way a little?

                                   BRIAN
                         You're still asking for favors?

                                   ROGER
                         It'll only take you a second.

                                   BRIAN
                         Will you shut up if I do?

                                   BRIAN (CONT'D)
                         Yes. I promise.

               Brian turns the monitor toward Roger.

               Roger and Brian watch the crocodile related movie for several
               silent seconds before Roger throws his head back and moans.

                                   ROGER
                         This movie sucks, bro!

               Before Brian can retort there's a knock from his front door.
               A voice is heard through the door. The voice of BAMBELJACKS.

                                   BAMBELJACKS
                         Yo, it's Bambeljacks.

                                   BRIAN
                         Come in.

               Bambeljacks opens the door and steps into the room, his eyes
               immediately fixing to Roger, bound in a chair on the other
               end of the room.

                                   BAMBELJACKS
                         Holding someone for ransom?

                                   BRIAN
                         No.

                                   BAMBELJACKS
                         Is it a sex thing?

                                   BRIAN
                         NO!

                                   ROGER
                         I'm Roger.

               Roger nods at Bambeljacks.

                                   BAMBELJACKS
                         That's rad, bro.

                                   BRIAN
                         What do you want?

                                   BAMBELJACKS
                         I was actually hoping I could pick
                         up some tree...

                                   BRIAN
                         Not a good time. Come back later.

                                   BAMBELJACKS
                         Later like...?

                                   BRIAN
                         From now. Later from now. In the
                         future, relative to the
                         present...get the fuck out of here.

                                   BAMBELJACKS
                         Right.

               Bambeljacks leaves. Brian turns to Roger.

                                   BRIAN
                         You're fucking up my whole day, you
                         know that?

                                   ROGER
                         Dude, will you stop giving me shit?
                         I'm sorry that I spoiled the 2 hour
                         masturbation session and X-files
                         marathon you had scheduled, but I'm
                         dealing with serious issues here!

                                   BRIAN
                         What the fuck are you talking
                         about?

                                   ROGER
                         The psychological torment of
                         knowing you've been stricken with
                         the curse of lycanthropy is
                         unfathomable to you!

                                   BRIAN
                         You're what's unfathomable to me.

                                   ROGER
                         That's bull-shit, dude. I'm hella
                         fathomable.

               Brian sighs deeply in exasperation and briefly massages his
               forehead.

                                   BRIAN
                         So, when the fuck are you supposed
                         to turn into a werewolf anyway?

                                   ROGER
                         As soon as the moon rises.

                                   BRIAN
                         The moon rises? It's fucking 3:30
                         in the afternoon!

                                   ROGER
                         3:30? You mean I'm gonna be tied in
                         this chair for two more hours?!

                                   BRIAN
                         I guess.

                                   ROGER
                         What if I have to piss?

                                   BRIAN
                         This was your idea!

                                   ROGER
                         But it's only mid-day, when have
                         you ever heard of anyone turning
                         into a werewolf at 3:30 in the
                         afternoon? On a Sunday, no less.

                                   BRIAN
                         If you didn't have such a poor
                         grasp of the day night/cycle and
                         had a little more foresight, you
                         wouldn't even be asking that
                         question. 

                                   ROGER
                         Well just untie me and re-tie me in
                         a couple hours.

                                   BRIAN
                         You are just determined to piss me
                         off, aren't you?

                                   ROGER
                         It'll take you 30 seconds, dude,
                         come on! Stop being such a drama
                         queen.

                                   BRIAN
                         Me a drama queen? You're the one
                         who ran in here screaming that he
                         was a werewolf, bleeding and
                         throwing trash everywhere!

                                   ROGER
                         This is a legitimate emergency,
                         it's more than reasonable for me to
                         be a little flustered.

                                   BRIAN
                         A legitimate emergency?

                                   ROGER
                         People don't turn into werewolves
                         every day!

                                   BRIAN
                         You're not a werewolf! You're a
                         suggestible, simple-minded, stoner
                         with an inferior ability to not
                         smoked laced pot, and a generally
                         deficient sense of the difference
                         between fantasy and reality.

                                   ROGER
                         It will be easier for you if you
                         just untie me. I won't bother you
                         again until sundown. Honest.

               Brian shakes his head.

                                   BRIAN
                         Fine. Whatever.

               Brian grudgingly walks over to the chair and begins straining
               at the knots, but failing to undo them. He grows increasingly
               agitated before finally throwing his hands up.

                                   BRIAN (CONT'D)
                         Fuck this! I can't untie this shit!

                                   ROGER
                         What? What kind of knot did you
                         use?

                                   BRIAN
                         There are different kinds of knots?

                                   ROGER 
                         Yeah, bro, there's like a million
                         knots! What kind did you use?

                                   BRIAN
                         I don't know...custom?

                                   ROGER
                         There's no such thing as a custom
                         knot! You gotta get me out of here,
                         man. I'm gonna piss.

                                   BRIAN
                         Are you fucking serious?

                                   ROGER
                         Wait, I know what we can do...do
                         you have any bottles?

               Brian stares at Roger, face twitching with the sheer force of
               annoyance.

                                   BRIAN
                         You know what, man...fuck this. I'm
                         going to get something to eat.

                                   ROGER
                         Oh, sweet. Were you thinking like
                         fajitas...?

                                   BRIAN
                         You know what, fajitas sound
                         awesome.

                                   ROGER
                         Yes! Just get back quick so I can
                         eat them before I turn into a
                         werewolf. I still have to pee,
                         too...

                                   BRIAN
                         Oh, did I give the impression I was
                         getting you something?

                                   ROGER
                         What?

                                   BRIAN
                         Yeah, fuck you, Roger.

               Brian walks out the front door, giving Roger the finger.

                                   ROGER
                         You're gonna look like an ass-hole
                         when I turn into a werewolf!

               EXT. OUTSIDE BRIAN'S ROOM - NIGHT

               Bambeljacks lies in a pool of blood, covered in claw marks,
               outside of Brian's front door, which has been busted open.

               The chair inside has been crushed and the rope ripped apart.

               Brian stands over Bambeljack's corpse with a bag of left-over
               fajitas.

                                   BRIAN
                         ...Balls...

               A distant, unearthly, howl echoes through the night.