Monthly Archives: July 2012

Attack of the Man-O-Dile

EXT. STREETS - DAY

               DETECTIVE DANIALS pulls up in a sedan and parks at the curb
               outside of GEORGE'S house. Danials is wearing a cheap suit
               and BADASS AVIATOR SUNGLASSES. He exits his car, and walks to
               the front door. He takes off his sunglasses, badassily. 

               INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

               George and Detective Daniels stand across from one and other
               in George's living room. George is silk robe and slippers.
               The room is a mess. It looks as though it has been ransacked,
               but was once plain and unassuming. It only houses a cabinet,
               a muddy couch and a TV. 

               Danials has a note-pad and pen in his hands, he is quickly
               jotting things down as they converse.

                                   DANIALS
                         So the man knocked on your door,
                         put a gun to your head and forced
                         his way into your house?

                                   GEORGE
                         That's right. He told me he'd blow
                         my brains out if I tried anything.
                         I was terrified.

                                   DANIALS
                         I'm sure you were. What happened
                         next?

                                   GEORGE
                         Then he poured a whole box of
                         Wheaties down his mouth.

                                   DANIALS
                         The whole box? Jesus.

                                   GEORGE
                         Started knocking things off
                         shelves. Rubbing mud all over my
                         couch.

                                   DANIALS
                         I see...

               Danials writes down the information before pursuing the line
               of questioning.

                                   DANIALS (CONT'D)
                         What did your assailant look like?

                                   GEORGE
                         He was wearing brown Dockers and
                         Reeboks, he had a crucifix tattooed
                         on his right arm, yellow eyes, he
                         was green on top, and sort of off
                         white underneath.

                                   DANIALS
                         His shirt?

                                   GEORGE
                         Hmm?

                                   DANIALS
                         His shirt was green and white?

                                   GEORGE
                         No, his scales.

                                   DANIALS
                         Pardon?

                                   GEORGE
                         His scales. They were dark green on
                         top and then tapered off into an
                         off-white around his belly.

                                   DANIALS
                         Uhh...

                                   GEORGE
                         I'd say he was a good...oh, 9 feet
                         long, including the tail.

                                   DANIALS
                         He had a tail?

                                   GEORGE
                         Of course he did.

                                   DANIALS
                         And scales?

                                   GEORGE
                         Yep.

                                   DANIALS
                         Sir, I'm confused.

                                   GEORGE
                         What about?

                                   DANIALS
                         It sounds like you're describing
                         some sort of...reptile...

                                   GEORGE
                         Sure am.

                                   DANIALS
                         I'm interviewing you about the man
                         who broke into your house.

                                   GEORGE
                         And?

               Danials flips closed his notebook and pockets it along with
               his pen.

                                   DANIALS
                         I feel like there's a little bit of
                         disconnect we're having here.

                                   GEORGE
                         Did you forget me telling you he
                         was a crocodile?

                                   DANIALS
                         You told me that?

                                   GEORGE
                         First thing I said when you walked
                         through my front door. I ran up and
                         screamed: "Crocodile!" right in
                         your face, How could you have
                         forgotten that?

                                   DANIALS
                         No. No, I remember that. I thought
                         you were just in shock.

                                   GEORGE
                         Of course I was in shock, how many
                         times does a man find himself
                         burgled by a goddamn crocodile?

                                   DANIALS
                         Burgled?

                                   GEORGE
                         He burgled me! 

                                   DANIALS
                         Burgled.

                                   GEORGE
                         It means: to burglarize. I'd think
                         a cop would know that.

                                   DANIALS
                         I don't work for Scotland Yard.
                         This isn't 18th century London,
                         alright? It's fucking Fairfield.
                         And I don't like your back-talk.

               Danials retrieves his badge from a pocket and shows it to
               George.

                                   DANIALS (CONT'D)
                         Now from here on out, I'm gonna
                         need you to respect this, you got
                         that?

               He points at the badge. 

                                   GEORGE
                         I think you need to respect the
                         fact that It's your job to arrest
                         this son of a bitch and find my
                         Playstation!

                                   DANIALS
                         Playstation? He took your
                         Playstation? That's what I'm doing
                         here? Looking for a Crocodile with
                         a stolen PlayStation?

                                   GEORGE
                         Stuffed it in a burlap sack and ran
                         off down the street.

                                   DANIALS
                         Didn't you say he was wearing
                         dockers?

                                   GEORGE
                         Yep.

                                   DANIALS
                         I was unaware that dockers catered
                         to the crocodile demographic.

                                   GEORGE
                         He had the legs of a man.

               Danials raises an eyebrow, and stares at George in
               bewilderment.

                                   DANIALS
                         The legs...

                                   GEORGE
                         Of a man. Yep.

                                   DANIALS
                         Man legs?

                                   GEORGE
                         Indeed.

                                   DANIALS
                         On a crocodile.

                                   GEORGE
                         That is correct. 

                                   DANIALS
                         So it was like a part man...

                                   GEORGE
                         Part crocodile.

                                   DANIALS
                         Legs of a man...

                                   GEORGE
                         Body of a crocodile.

                                   DANIALS
                         And his arms?

                                   GEORGE
                         They were kind of in between.

               Danials takes a deep breath, and nods to himself as though
               coming to a conclusion. 

                                   DANIALS
                         I think-

                                   GEORGE
                         It was like a...Man-o-dile...

                                   DANIALS
                         I think we're done here.

               Danials turns to walk toward the door. George leaps in front
               of him, barring the exit.

                                   GEORGE
                         What about my PlayStation?!

                                   DANIALS
                         Nobody gives a shit about
                         PlayStation's. There have been two
                         PlayStation's since PlayStation, do
                         you realize that?

                                   GEORGE
                         None of those PlayStation's have
                         Spyro.

                                   DANIALS
                         They do, actually.

                                   GEORGE
                         Original Spyro.

                                   DANIALS
                         You can play Playstation 1 games on
                         Playstation 2.

                                   GEORGE
                         I don't have a Playstation 2!

                                   DANIALS
                         You don't have a Playstation.

                                   GEORGE
                         I did until that crocodile stole it
                         from me!

                                   DANIALS
                         You mean burgled it from you?

                                   GEORGE
                         I want my goddamn Playstation back!

                                   DANIALS 
                         PlayStation's don't even cost money
                         anymore, just get a new one.

                                   GEORGE
                         What kind of cop are you? Would you
                         tell a man who'd just been stabbed:
                         "Well, why don't you just get not
                         stabbed?"

                                   DANIALS
                         What?

                                   GEORGE
                         I've been wronged, and you have to
                         do something about, or I'll call
                         the police station and-

                                   DANIALS
                         Tell them a Crocodile with human
                         legs stole your PlayStation?

                                   GEORGE
                         A manodile.

                                   DANIALS
                         What?

                                   GEORGE
                         A manodile.

               Danials stares.

                                   GEORGE (CONT'D)
                         That's what we're calling it.

                                   DANIALS
                         A manodile?

                                   GEORGE
                         Get it?

                                   DANIALS
                         Yeah. Yeah, I get it.

               Danials shakes his head and sighs deeply. 

                                   GEORGE
                         So, like I was saying, he grabbed
                         my PlayStation, bit my dog in half,
                         pulled his dockers down and took a
                         shit on my floor before he ran off
                         out the door.

                                   DANIALS
                         Oh, so that's what that's doing
                         there.

               Danials gestures to pile of shit plopped on the living room
               floor a few feet to their side. George looks to the shit,
               turns back to Danials, and nods.

                                   GEORGE
                         Yep.

                                   DANIALS
                         That is a tremendous pile of shit.

               George shrugs.

                                   GEORGE
                         It was a big manodile.

                                   DANIALS
                         Let's stop using the word
                         "manodile", shall we?

                                   GEORGE
                         Well that's what we're talking
                         about.

                                   DANIALS
                         That's what you're talking about,
                         but in reality there are no
                         manodiles.

                                   GEORGE
                         Then who bit my dog in half?

                                   DANIALS
                         Dog in half?

               EXT. BACK-YARD - DAY

               A half a dog lays in the grass in George's back-yard. Small,
               white. Like a corgi poodle mix. It would have been adorable
               if it had its other half. And wasn't dead.

               The dog's guts are spilled out, flies buzzing around it,
               blood stained tufts of fur gently sway in a slight breeze.
               Danials and George stand and look.

                                   DANIALS
                         ...Gross...

                                   GEORGE
                         See! I told you!

                                   DANIALS
                         Sir, I'm willing to turn a blind
                         eye to your apparent bisecting of
                         your dog on the condition that you
                         just drop this manodile business
                         once and for all and never contact
                         the police for any reason ever
                         again, whatsoever. Okay?

                                   GEORGE
                         It was the manodile!

                                   DANIALS
                         There are no manodiles! How could
                         there be a manodile?!

                                   GEORGE
                         It could have escaped from the zoo.

                                   DANIALS
                         There are no zoo's nearby that
                         house Manodiles, of that I am
                         certain.

                                   GEORGE
                         Probably because they've all broken
                         free.

                                   DANIALS
                         Doubtful.

                                   GEORGE
                         They're very resourceful.

                                   DANIALS
                         They don't-

                                   GEORGE
                         Always bet on manodile!

                                   DANIALS
                         Exist.

                                   GEORGE
                         Hmm?

                                   DANIALS
                         You made them up.

                                   GEORGE
                         I-

                                   DANIALS
                         I think none of what you said
                         happened. You know why? Because I
                         can actually see a PlayStation over
                         in that cabinet over there, through
                         the door.

               Danials points at the PlayStation through the glass doors. It
               sits under the TV, two controllers lying on the floor in
               front of it. George turns and looks at it for a moment, then
               turns back around to face Danials.

                                   GEORGE
                         That's my back-up PlayStation.

                                   DANIALS
                         I also think you shit on your own
                         floor.

                                   GEORGE
                         You think I bit my dog in half too?
                         Look at the jaw radius!

                                   DANIALS
                         Sir, I want you to take a look at
                         my face, and tell me how many fucks
                         you think I give?

               George squints, intently studying Danials' disdainful
               expression.

                                   GEORGE
                         Four?

                                   DANIALS
                         None. Not one. Good day, to you,
                         sir. 

                                   GEORGE
                         But-

                                   DANIALS
                         I may be taking measures to have
                         you institutionalized. Just FYI.

               Danials turns and walks away. George shouts after him, waving
               his fist in the air.

                                   GEORGE 
                         That scaly, green, hoodlum is
                         probably playing Kingdom Hearts on
                         my PlayStation in some manodile
                         crack den in the bayou, and I'm not
                         gonna stand for it!

                                   DANIALS
                         Kingdom Hearts wasn't on the
                         original Playstation.

               EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY

               Danials has exited the front door of the house and walked
               down to the side-walk where his car was parked and is now not
               parked. He looks up and down the street, but it is nowhere in
               sight. 

                                   DANIALS
                         What the fuck?!

               A man runs over to Danials from the house next door.

                                   NEIGHBOR
                         Hey, man, was that your car?

                                   DANIALS
                         Yeah, did you see what happened to
                         it?

                                   NEIGHBOR
                         Someone took it.

                                   DANIALS
                         What did they look like?

                                   NEIGHBOR
                         Well, I couldn't tell from the
                         distance I was at, but he looked
                         like he was wearing Dockers.

                                   DANIALS
                         Dockers?

                                   NEIGHBOR
                         Yeah. And a reeboks. 

                                   DANIALS
                         Dockers and reeboks? 

                                   NEIGHBOR
                         Yeah...and he was a crocodile. That
                         struck me as a little odd.

               Danials looks away from the neighbor and stares down the
               road, a grim look upon his face.

                                   DANIALS 
                         Motherfucker.

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