New Movie Idea – Lieutenant Dick-Fist

Lieutenant Dick-Fist is like a detective, but with the super-power that his dick is a fist that can thrust itself forth from his crotch and strike things within an immediate distance and that are located in front of his crotch. The Lieutenant’s dick-fist would mostly punch other people’s crotches, some dogs or midgets in the face. Maybe he’s developed a style of martial art which revolves entirely around positioning his crotch into position to maximize the destructive potential of his dick-fist. ? The finale is him and the villain’s dick-fists arm wrestling. That’s not gay is it? Treatment and sketches coming soon.

Interrogation Movie

INT. ROOM – NIGHT

Police officers TED DIDLIO and JOHN S. TAMOS stand in a room
together looking over a file for JAYQUON DEEZY.

TED
Jesus, this guy is one sick fuck,
alright.

JOHN
They call him ‘The Fister’

Ted shakes his head.

TED
Alright, lets do this.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – NIGHT

RICK ANDERSON sits at a table. A beat passes before Ted and
John walk into the room.

RICK
Ted Thank God you guys are here.
There’s been a huge mistake.

TED
No mistake here, Jayquon.

RICK
I don’t know who this Jayquon
person is. My name is Rick
Anderson.

JOHN
Shut your fucking face, Deezy. Look
at this.

John holds up a photograph of the real Jayquon Deezy, who is
obviously not Rick.

JOHN (CONT’D)
You expect us to believe you’re not
this man?

RICK
Of course I’m not, look at him.

JOHN
We are looking at him. Right now.

Ted and John just stare at Rick.

RICK
This guy stole my wallet and put
his ID in my car.

John pulls his wallet from his pocket and throws it in Ricks
face.

TED
Whoah, John, easy.

JOHN
Don’t tell me ‘easy’, Ted! You saw
his file!

RICK
What the fuck!

JOHN
Give me my wallet back.

Rick tries to hand John his wallet, but John smacks it out of
his hand.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Fuck you, Deeezy!

Ted walks over and puts his hand on John’s shoulder.

TED
Hey, you need to cool it man. We
don’t do things this way.

Ted walks behind Rick and starts giving him a shoulder
message.

TED (CONT’D)
Don’t be scared, buckaroo. Nobody’s
gonna hurt you. You know it’s OK to
tell the truth…buddy.

RICK
But I’m not-

TED
We know, we know. You want some
coffee? Yeah you do, I’ll go get
you some coffee.

Ted motions to John and the two exit the room. A moment
passes before they re-enter. Ted carries a cup of coffee
which he splashes in Rick’s face. Rick screams.

RICK
Why?!

TED
Tell us why you did it, Fister!
Talk!

JOHN
Whoa, whoa, man! What are you
doing?!

Ted tries to get at Rick, but John pulls him away.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Put your shit on cool-aid, Ted!

TED
This cunt knows more than he’s
telling us, John! He knows and he
ain’t talking!

RICK
I’m not The Fister!

Ted slams a sheet of paper on the table in front of Rick.

TED
Then explain this, Deezy. Look at
this? Are you trying to tell us
that you did not make these
purchases? We ran your credit card.
300 dollars at Del Taco last night,
900 dollars of flesh-lights from
Amazon.com. Look at it!

RICK
I didn’t buy any of those thing!
Ted continues reading from the
list.

TED
Three pink dildos.

RICK
No!

TED
The collected works of Jane Austin,
6 pounds of cucumbers, four bottles
of nite-time cough syrup!

RICK
No!

TED
18 tubes of vagisil!

RICK
Ok, that was me, but-

TED
Did you hear that? He confessed!
He’s The Fister!

Ted runs over and starts kicking Rick’s shoulder.

RICK
My shoulder!

John grabs Ted and drags him away.

JOHN
Damnit, Ted! They could have your
badge for that!

Ted fights to free himself from John’s grasp.

TED
I’m cool! I’m cool.

John releases Ted. Ted straightens his shirt and composes
himself?

TED (CONT’D)
So why do they call you The Fister,
Fister?

RICK
Nobody calls me that. You people
are the only ones who have ever
called me Fister in my life.

Ted lunges across the room and punches Rick in the face.

TED
How’s that for a fist,
motherfucker?!

JOHN
Damnit, Ted!

John grabs Ted once more and pulls him to the door.

JOHN (CONT’D)
You need to get out of here and
cool your jets, amigo!

Ted glares at Rick briefly before exiting the room. John
walks over to Rick and sits on the table next to him.

JOHN (CONT’D)
I’m sorry about my partner. He’s
just passionate.

RICK
Seriously I didn’t do any of the
things you’re saying I did. This
guy stole my ID, my credit cards…

JOHN
I bet I know someone who’d like a
glass of water.

Rick stares at John.

JOHN (CONT’D)
I’ll get you some water.

John ruffles Rick’s hair before standing and exiting the
room.
Rick sits silently for a few moments before John returns with
a dixie cup full of water, which he places on the table in
front of Rick. Rick looks at it for a moment, but before he
can reach for it, John violently flips to table over, grabs
Rick by the collar and shoves him against the wall.

JOHN (CONT’D)
You better start talking you cunt
faced little shit-stain, or so help
me God I will have you shitting
your ribs through your dick-hole!

RICK
Jesus Christ!

The door swings open and Ted stands in the door-way, now
wearing a wrestling one-piece. Ted dramatically points at
Rick.

JOHN
You did it now, Jayquon.

TED
You called the thunder!

RICK
No I didn’t!

Ted screams and charges Rick, raining blow after blow upon
him with outrageous fury. John runs over to the table and
flips it back onto its legs, then picks Rick up and body
slams him through it. Rick and John mercilessly batter Rick
for agonizing seconds.

RICK (CONT’D)
WHY?!

Through the doorway walks JOE.

JOE
Didlio, S. Stamos, we need you in
room 4, now.

John and Ted cease beating Rick and walk to the door.

TED
You’re fuckin’ lucky, Deezy.

JOHN
We’ll be back, dip-shit

They leave Rick on the floor, lifeless.

INT. ROOM 4 – DAY

At the table sits JAYQUON DEEZY, across from him stand Ted
and John.

JAYQUON
I swear I’m not the guy you’re
looking for!

JOHN
No? Cause your ID says different.

Ted holds up a photograph of Rick and points to it.

TED
You mean to tell us that you are
not this man?

Tagged

Wizard Pete vs The Karate Douche (Short Script)

INT. PETE’S ROOM – DAY

Pete’s front door stands completely open, the days light
falls into the room. STAN walks through the door-frame.

STAN
Pete? You hear?

Stan looks across the room and sees Pete hanging half way
through the window on the back wall, his legs dangling
outside and head and arms lolling lifelessly about two feet
above the carpeted floor on the inside. One hand grasps an
empty vodka bottle.

STAN (CONT’D)
Holy shit!

Stan walks over to Pete and pokes him.

STAN (CONT’D)
Dude, are you fucking alive right
now?

Pete awakes, punching blindly and feebly toward Stan and
groaning before lifting his head to survey his surroundings.

PETE
Am I upside down or is the world
upside down?

STAN
It’s you, man.

Pete tosses his empty bottle and wiggles out of the window
frame falling to the floor with a thud. He stands, stumbles
around a bit, then holds up his hand and makes a full fifth
of vodka appear out of thin air within it. He takes a hearty
swig before lighting a cigarette and plopping down on the
couch. Pete reaches to the floor and picks up his ragged,
brown Wizard Hat and puts it on.

STAN (CONT’D)
Why were you sleeping in the
window, Pete?

PETE
I think I drank the keys to my
front door.

STAN
What? Why?

PETE
Probably because I ran out of
booze.

STAN
Oh, well. Alright. So, anyway. I
need your help, Pete. And others
do, as well. See, there’s this guy
who moved into my neighborhood,
right? And, fuck, man…he’s super
good at karate…

PETE
Karate?

STAN
But he’s a douche. He just uses his
superior karate skills to push
people around. He’s always running
around, pushing over trash-cans or
slapping drinks out of peoples
hands.

PETE
But I do those things…

STAN
Yeah, but not in my neighborhood. I
mean, he’s terrorizing us, and no
one can stand up to him because he
just busts out with the karate. So,
what’ll it take?

PETE
I demand to be awarded a tribute of
20 dollars for every house under
direct threat from this mans
karate. I also wish bestowments of
19 packs of Newports and a 4 liters
of vodka. In shooters.

STAN
Done!

Stan attempts a hand-shake, but Pete meets his hand with a
flaming bic lighter.

PETE
Get out, I need to take my mid
afternoon hangover nap.
But, know this, once you have
presented me with the cash,
cigarettes and vodka, I will
destroy your karate douche, in the
middle of the streets, for all to
see.

STAN
Thanks, Pete!

PETE
Fuck off.

EXT. STAN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Stan walks up the side-walk. From behind an oak tree the
KARATE-DOUCHE leaps, landing mere inches in front of Stan.

STAN
Holy shit!

KARATE DOUCHE
The fuck are you walking for?

STAN
I’m not allowed to drive on the
side-walk.

KARATE DOUCHE
Show me your wallet.

STAN
What? Why would you want to see my
wallet.

KARATE DOUCHE
I want to see what kind of wallet
you have. Hold it out and let me
look at it.

STAN
Fine, I guess.

Stan takes his wallet from his pocket and displays it for the
Karate Douche, who promptly, and with great zeal, smacks the
wallet out of Stan’s hand and clear onto the streets. Karate
Douche laughs and walks away.

KARATE DOUCHE
Fag!

Stan stares at the Karate Douche, incensed. Burning with
rage.

STAN
Your time has nearly come, Karate
Douche. Soon…

INT. PETE’S ROOM – DAY

There is a knock on Pete’s door. Pete opens it to find Stan,
holding a wad of cash and a bag filled with Newports and
vodka shooters. Pete stares at these items for a moment.

PETE
You have done well.

INT. PETE’S ROOM – DAY

All of the vodka bottles lie empty on the floor at Pete’s
feet. He smokes two Newports at a time, with a near-by ash
tray overflowing with butts.

STAN
You really think you should be
drinking and smoking so much with a
big fight coming up?

PETE
Fight? I’m a fucking wizard, I
don’t fight. I let my fire-lasers
and electro-swords do my fighting
for me. When is this fracas set to
take place, anyhow?

Stan looks at his watch.

STAN
Like 15 minutes.

Pete tosses his car-keys to Stan.

PETE
You’re driving. Let’s get this show
on the road.

EXT. STAN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Pete and Stan pull up in Pete’s car. Pete fails in his
attempt to exit the vehicle without falling over, but he
picks himself up off of the ground with minimal effort. Stan
comes over to stand by Pete’s side. He points to across the
street where the Karate Douche walks.

STAN
There he is, Pete! Kick his ass!

Stan looks over to where Pete was standing only to find Pete
has lain down face first in the grass of a strangers front
yard. Completely unconscious.

STAN (CONT’D)
Goddamnit, Pete! Now’s your time to
shine!

Stan runs over and starts kicking Pete. Pete wakes up, and
groggily stands.

PETE
That grass looked like my bed for a
second.

STAN
Fight him, Pete!

PETE
Who?

Pete looks around and sees the Karate Douche.

PETE (CONT’D)
Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Pete steps forward and clears his throat before shouting to
the Karate Douche.

PETE (CONT’D)
Hey, you!

The Karate Douche turns and glares at Pete.

PETE (CONT’D)
You that Karate Douche I’ve been
hearing about?

KARATE DOUCHE
Maybe. You that Wizard Douche, what lives
on the other side of town?

PETE
Yeah.

KARATE DOUCHE
Right on.

PETE
Hey, man. I take no issue with your
behavior or general etiquette, but
regardless, I’m gonna have to rock
your shit, here, bro. You’re going
down.

KARATE DOUCHE
Is this a challenge, Wizard? Do you
wish to engage in a duel?

PETE
Yep.

KARATE DOUCHE
So be it, then. Let us retire to
the fields of honorable and
righteous combat.

PETE
Where’s that?

EXT. KARATE-DOUCHE’S BACKYARD – DAY

Pete and Stan stand side by side, across a lawn from The
Karate Douche. The yard is fenced and is decorated with a
kiddie pool, a broken down picnic table and inhabited a hyper
active dog that will not leave anyone the fuck alone.

KARATE DOUCHE
My back-yard.

PETE
This is your back-yard?

KARATE DOUCHE
Correct.

PETE
It’s shitty.

KARATE DOUCHE
Be that as it may…fuck you. Will
you strike the first blow, Wizard
or must I be the one to take the
offensive?

PETE
Allow me to answer that question
with a-

Pete shoots lightening bolts at The Karate Douche. Karate
Douche summons his chi into his arms and holds them in front
of his face as a shield to block Pete’s lightening attack.
Eventually he is able to repel the lightening completely.
Pete ceases his attacks.

KARATE DOUCHE
Ha. That shit was weak. Check this
out!

The Karate Douche begins walking toward Pete, pausing
often to take on various karate stances and implement a
number of different karate maneuvers.

PETE
You look fucking retarded right now.

The Karate Douche comes within range of Pete and launches a
duel-fisted Chi-Ram, producing a mighty explosion which
knocks Pete to the ground.

PETE (CONT’D)
I am entirely too sober for this.
Time to put an end to you once and
for all, Ass-shit!

The Karate Douche strides toward Pete, intent on following up
his attack. Pete lifts himself back to his feet.

KARATE DOUCHE
How do you plan to do that, Wizard?
I’ve already proven my Karate
Powers are far more potent than
your-

Pete claps his hands. The Karate Douche’s face contorts in
pain. He falls to the floor, curling up in a fetal position.
Nearly unable to speak, obviously in immense pain.

KARATE DOUCHE (CONT’D)
W-h-what did you….

PETE
I just gave you testicular cancer.
Advanced. Inoperable. Fatal.  Just a little
spell I picked up back on Wizard
Island all those centuries
ago…anyway, have fun with that.

Stan runs up to Pete and raises his arms in the air in
celebration.

STAN
You did it, Pete! You beat that
douche!

PETE
Of course I did. I’m a fucking
wizard.

Pete turns and unceremoniously walks away, while Stan
brutally kicks and taunts the Karate Douche, who lay on the
ground curled up and shaking in pain and terror.

INT. PETE’S ROOM – DAY

Pete sits down on his couch, and lights a Newport.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Samuel L. Graboid (or Graboid L. Jackson)

Photo-shopping done by Bradmiral Ackbard, concept and photos provided by Zombisauras-Rex.

Tagged , , ,

If I Pitched my Dreams to a Film Studio II

Title: Hats The Movie
Tag-line: All he wanted was a hat, now all he wants…is no hats.
Story-line: Ted needs a hat, he goes to the biggest hat store in town to buy one, but they’re all either ill-fitting, gay looking or just too damn expensive. Further and further into the hat store the man descends until he realizes he’s lost in a Dimension entirley of hats. Will he ever escape?

Title: My Best Friend’s Head is Flat!
Tag-line: When your best friends head is flat, that’s fucked up.
Storyline: Jim returns home after several months away only to discover all is not well. Upon meeting his old best friend Bill he is shocked to find Bill’s head is totally fucking flat. He can’t even wear hats anymore. Jim tries to cook up a scheme to return Bill’s cranium to its classic semi-ovular shape, but if he’s unable to do so, what will he do? Eat dinner off of it? It’s flat enough…

Title: Monsturkey
Tag-line: Part turkey, part monster, all Monsturkey
Storyline: Phil is trapped in a small cage with nothing but a tent, a sleeping bag and…a turkey. The turkey at first appearing innocent enough eventually begins behaving aggressively toward Phil, demanding gifts and tributes from Phil. When Phil fails to provide the Monsturkey with what it requests he is met with acts of Turkey related violence. How long can Phil stay trapped with the Monsturkey?

Also, check this out. Nice.

Breakfast Time (Short Script – Working Title)

EXT. SCENIC DIRT ROAD - DAY

               MIKE runs along a dirt back-road, soaked in blood, stripped
               to his boxers, in a blind panic. Not a structure or a human
               being is in sight. Nothing but fields and scenic landscape as
               far as the eye can see. He comes to a cross-roads and briefly
               pauses, turning to look down each lane before choosing to go
               right, and continuing his run.

               EXT. ROAD - DAY

               A car driven by FRANCIS pulls up to the same crossroads.
               Francis stops momentarily, before engaging the turn signal
               and veering off to the right. Continuing his drive.

               EXT. ROAD - DAY

               Mike spies two men working in a field off in the distance. 

                                   MIKE
                         Oh, God. Thank you. Thank God!

               Mike approaches the two men.

                                   MIKE (CONT'D)
                         Holy shit, I'm so glad to see you
                         guys. You have to help me. This
                         fucking lunatic kid-napped me and
                         six other people. He killed all of
                         them and tried to drown me in a
                         feed troth full of their blood. I
                         got away after he passed out from
                         huffing gas, but I think he's after
                         me. You have to do something!

               The two men only stare blankly.

                                   MIKE (CONT'D)
                         Please tell me one of you speaks
                         English.

                                   GUY 1
                         Undskylde mig?

                                   MIKE
                         What the fuck? What...

               Guy 1 starts shaking his head violently. He motions toward
               Mike, then to his friend, who also begins shaking his head.

                                   GUY 1
                         Ingen!

                                   MIKE
                         What are you-

                                   GUY 1
                         Ingen! INGEN!

                                   MIKE
                         I don't speak Danish!

               Both of the men start picking up rocks and throwing them at
               Mike.

                                   MIKE (CONT'D)
                         Quit it!

               They don't quit it.

                                   MIKE (CONT'D)
                         Fuck you guys!

               Mike turns and runs off once more.

                                   MIKE (CONT'D)
                         FUCK!

               EXT. ROAD - DAY

               Francis pulls up in front of the two field workers and rolls
               down his window.

                                   FRANCIS
                         Hey, fellas. Have either of you,
                         perchance, seen a naked man,
                         running around out here, barefoot,
                         covered in blood, screaming....?

               Both men stare at Francis for a beat before they
               simultaneously raise their arms and point in the direction
               Mike ran.

               EXT. ROAD - DAY

               Mike still runs. He hears a car approaching from the distance
               behind him.

                                   MIKE
                         No. No, no, no.... NO!!

               Mike hastens his sprint, tearing down the road like a bat out
               of hell, but all in vain.
               Moments pass before Francis pulls next to him and slows his
               vehicle to jogging speed, he pulls to Mike's right and rolls
               down his window.

                                   FRANCIS
                         Morning, Randolph!

                                   MIKE
                         Fuck off! Stop calling me that!

                                   FRANCIS
                         Stop being called that.

                                   MIKE
                         That's...fuck you!

                                   FRANCIS
                         Come on, man, this is pointless.
                         You can't outrun a Subaru. Not even
                         a gazelle could outrun a Subaru.

                                   MIKE
                         That's not even a Subaru.

                                   FRANCIS
                         Maybe not now it isn't.

                                   MIKE
                         Just leave me alone. I won't tell
                         anyone, I promise. Haven't you done
                         enough to me already?

                                   FRANCIS
                         Done enough?! What have I done?!

                                   MIKE
                         You kidnapped me with six other
                         people and then tried to drown me
                         in a feed troth full of their
                         blood!

                                   FRANCIS
                         ...Maybe that was touch extreme.

               Mike just laughs and shakes his head.

                                   FRANCIS (CONT'D)
                         What do you want from me, bro? I
                         was fucking zany on fumes, it
                         seemed like an important experiment
                         to perform.

                                   MIKE
                         Important for who?

                                   FRANCIS
                         Everyone?

                                   MIKE
                         Now I probably have an STD from all
                         the blood in my lungs.

                                   FRANCIS
                         Actually one of them did have HIV,
                         they told me.

                                   MIKE
                         Seriously?!

                                   FRANCIS
                         Just kidding! I don't know if any
                         of them had HIV, but I wore gloves
                         for a reason.

                                   MIKE
                         God, you're an ass-hole.

                                   FRANCIS
                         Hey now, name calling isn't going
                         to win you a ticket aboard the not
                         drowning-in-AIDS-blood express, my
                         friend. 

               Mike keeps his eyes forward, running straight ahead.

                                   FRANCIS (CONT'D)
                         Where are you even trying to go?

               Mike points forward.

                                   FRANCIS (CONT'D)
                         I had you pegged as a runner from
                         the beginning, but still, your
                         cardio is impressive. Your calves
                         must be killing you.

                                   MIKE
                         The burn is mostly in my glutes.

                                   FRANCIS
                         Yeah, I bet. So, what do you say we
                         put our differences aside and-

                                   MIKE
                         Fuck off!

                                   FRANCIS
                         French Toast!?

                                   MIKE
                         What?

                                   FRANCIS
                         Let's go grab some breakfast.
                         French toast. My treat.

                                   MIKE
                         It's a trick!

                                   FRANCIS
                         Me? Trick you? My good friend
                         Rudolph?

                                   MIKE
                         It's Randolph!

                                   FRANCIS
                         My mistake.

                                   MIKE
                         Give me my clothes back.

                                   FRANCIS
                         You mean my clothes?

                                   MIKE
                         You stole them from me!

                                   FRANCIS
                         I actually threw your pants away
                         because they didn't fit, but this
                         shirt? It's like wearing clouds.

                                   MIKE
                         What about my shoes?

                                   FRANCIS
                         Tossed em'.

                                   MIKE
                         Jesus Christ.

                                   FRANCIS
                         My bad.

               Mike continues jogging, his pace now slowing. He gives
               Francis the silent treatment.

                                   FRANCIS (CONT'D)
                         Dude! French Toast! Who could say
                         'no' to that?

               Mike points at himself. Francis abruptly swerves toward Mike.
               Mike leaps out of the way, almost falling over.

                                   MIKE
                         What the shit?!

               Francis laughs, and does it again, and once more.

                                   MIKE (CONT'D)
                         Cut it out!

                                   FRANCIS
                         Do you think I want to be in this
                         position any more than you do?

                                   MIKE
                         I don't even have skin on my feet
                         anymore!

                                   FRANCIS
                         Then you shouldn't have run away!

                                   MIKE
                         I'm covered in other people's
                         blood. Flies keep landing on me and
                         getting stuck in it and dying. I'm
                         covered in human blood and dead
                         animals. Do you have any idea what
                         that's like?

                                   FRANCIS
                         Sounds like the world's saddest
                         bukkake.

               Mike stumbles and falls, screaming in agony.

                                   FRANCIS (CONT'D)
                         Oh, snap!

               Francis pulls his car over and gets out. He approaches Mike
               and leans over him.

                                   FRANCIS (CONT'D)
                         Are you Ok?

                                   MIKE
                         I pulled a hammy.

                                   FRANCIS
                         Saw that coming. 

               Francis offers his hand to help Mike up. Mike takes it and
               stands, leaning against the car for support.

                                   FRANCIS (CONT'D)
                         Mike, we need to end this silly
                         game between us. Nobody has
                         anything to gain from it. Look, you
                         see that?

               Francis points into the car, gesturing toward a layer of
               towels laid over the passenger side seat.

                                   FRANCIS (CONT'D)
                         I already put towels down for you.
                         There's water, and neosporin, and
                         tylenol, and band-aids for your
                         feet and trail mix. Not to mention
                         a big plate of French Toast with
                         your name written on it, in syrup
                         and powdered sugar.

               Mike stands. He looks at Francis, then into the car, then
               down the road.

                                   FRANCIS (CONT'D)
                         How much longer can you run for?
                         Nobodies going to find you out
                         here. 

                                   MIKE
                         It's a trick...

                                   FRANCIS
                         Whether it is or not, it's a trick
                         you have nothing to lose by falling
                         for. If I wanted to kill you, I'd
                         have just run you over and kicked
                         your body into a ditch. Which I
                         could still do.

               A pounding noise is heard from the trunk of the car. Mike
               looks at it in alarm, Francis doesn't seem to notice.

                                   MIKE
                         Do you have somebody in the trunk?

               Francis holds up two fingers.

                                   FRANCIS
                         Dos.

                                   MIKE
                         Who?

                                   FRANCIS
                         Couple of D-bags I nabbed a ways
                         back down the road.

                                   MIKE
                         Danish?

                                   FRANCIS
                         I'd guess yeah.

                                   MIKE
                         Fuck those guys.

                                   FRANCIS
                         I bet one of them has a pair of
                         shoes that'll fit...

               Mike lets out a brief chuckle. Francis laughs and pats him on
               the back. 

                                   FRANCIS (CONT'D)
                         Hop in, partner! Restaurants won't
                         be serving breakfast for much
                         longer.

               Mike shrugs and walks around to the passenger side door.

                                   FRANCIS (CONT'D)
                         Just make sure you sit on the
                         towels, though. This is a Subaru.
Tagged , , , , , , ,

If I Pitched my Dreams to a Film Studio

Title: Squorca

Tagline: Just when you thought Squids and Orcas couldn’t be combined into one animal…fuck you.

Synopsis: A creature apparently half squid and half orca terrorizes the residents of a lakeside community, who all live in underground mansions. Nick Frost and Tom Wilkinson play father/son fishermen who spear-fish giant frogs (spear-frogging?). When Tom Wilkinson is killed by the Squorca, the task to destroy the underwater abomination falls on Nick Frosts shoulders.

I

Title: The Giant Rabbit that Talked Two Kids into Strapping Iguanas to Their Feet and Floating Above Rivers With Balloons.

Tagline: What the fuck?

Synopsis: A pair of young twins happen upon a giant talking rabbit. The rabbit convinces the children to accompany him on a magical journey. Little are any of them aware that the dangers of this journey will lead them all to make water-skis out of iguanas. Water-skis they eventually wind up not even using, because they find these magic fucking balloons that they can fly with.

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Title: Human Beans

Tag-line: Jelly Filled Terror.

Synopsis: The world’s most prominent Jelly Bean afficionado is invited to tour the largest Jelly Bean factory in existance. Upon his arrival, however, he finds the factory mysteriously abandoned. Trapped in a Jelly Bean ware-house, amongst stacks of Jelly Beans hanging from rafters, our hero begins to suspect that he’s not alone in this jelly-bean wonderland, but that something or someone hidden amongst the jelly-beans is stalking him, awaiting its time to strike.

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3rd Floor

Vote for 3rd Floor at Film Fights. Written and Directed by Ted Didlio.

http://www.filmfights.com/current/1482/3rd-Floor-(3:30-Fight)

Are You Afraid of the Dark Episode Review: The Tale of the Manaha

Season 5, Episode 7 – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0514429/

The Tale of the Manaha as told by Gary’s douche-bag brother, Tucker.

So there’s this little kid who fucking loves the woods, named Jonah.

The woods. Fuckin' loves em'.

And he’s out here camping with all his buddies and their scout leader, an emotionally and psychologically abusive adolescent named Lonnie. All of Lonnie’s screen-time all seems to be him lashing out at all of the children who he’s in charge of.

"Books are for queers!"

Lonnie ANGRY!

So they’re out on a vision quest.

Who's got the shrooms?

On their excursion little Jonah consistently outclasses Lonnie in all catagories of outdoorsmanship, though only incuring more abuse. Eventually Jonah finds a cave where a half-naked Indian tries to warn him about Monsters. Douchey ‘Lonnie’ McDouchington comes around and steals a sacred statue from the cave and unleashes the spirit of the Manaha. Essentially a bunch of bi-pedal big-footian monstrosities.

This is a fair approximation of the Indian I saw in the cave

Desperately Jonah tries to convince someone of their danger, but all who hear his warning scoff and laugh.

"Monsters? In the woods? Psh! Do we look fuckin' retarded to you?"

"You're an asshole, kid."

Things start looking up for Jonah, however, when Lonnie is abducted by the Manaha and dragged off into the forest like a baby moose in the jaws of a Kodiak bear.

Despite putting up a heroic struggle.

Now all everyone’s freaking out because they think these bigfeet will kill them. And Jonah keeps quoting some guy named Oscar Butts.

"Lonnie must have been here, I found his whistle."

But, yeah, fuck. Those fucking Manaha are all up in everyones business. They fucking abducted a Ranger. Jonah is trying to lead his companions out of the woods, but their path is always obstructed by those piss-boner Manahas. Fuck those guys.

Anyway, yeah. Between scenes I guess Jonah reads The Secret because now he’s convinced that if he believes the Manaha aren’t real, then they won’t be. I hope that’s a bet you’re willing to wager all of your blood on, kid. The others don’t agree with him, but Jonah is seriously fed up with this bullshit.

"I've had it up to here with the cunts."

They go off into the woods and Jonah finds all of the missing people tied up in man-sacks hanging from steaks.

Looks like someone's getting ready to cook up a big ol' batch of dude-tea

Apparently the Indian did it. He was behind it all along. Let’s log this one down in the books, folks. What a twist. Astounding.

Had us all fooled, he did.

Jonah decides to Fuck you, Indian! He scares him back into his cave with his own magic statue.

"Destroy him, statue. This I command!"

and traps him inside forever. All’s well that ends well as Jonah is now promoted to Scout Leader and Lonnie demonted to Scout Dip-shit (now officially)

Fuck you, Lonnie.

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