Tag Archives: Are You afraid of the Dark

Are You Afraid of the Dark Episode Review: The Tale of the Manaha

Season 5, Episode 7 – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0514429/

The Tale of the Manaha as told by Gary’s douche-bag brother, Tucker.

So there’s this little kid who fucking loves the woods, named Jonah.

The woods. Fuckin' loves em'.

And he’s out here camping with all his buddies and their scout leader, an emotionally and psychologically abusive adolescent named Lonnie. All of Lonnie’s screen-time all seems to be him lashing out at all of the children who he’s in charge of.

"Books are for queers!"

Lonnie ANGRY!

So they’re out on a vision quest.

Who's got the shrooms?

On their excursion little Jonah consistently outclasses Lonnie in all catagories of outdoorsmanship, though only incuring more abuse. Eventually Jonah finds a cave where a half-naked Indian tries to warn him about Monsters. Douchey ‘Lonnie’ McDouchington comes around and steals a sacred statue from the cave and unleashes the spirit of the Manaha. Essentially a bunch of bi-pedal big-footian monstrosities.

This is a fair approximation of the Indian I saw in the cave

Desperately Jonah tries to convince someone of their danger, but all who hear his warning scoff and laugh.

"Monsters? In the woods? Psh! Do we look fuckin' retarded to you?"

"You're an asshole, kid."

Things start looking up for Jonah, however, when Lonnie is abducted by the Manaha and dragged off into the forest like a baby moose in the jaws of a Kodiak bear.

Despite putting up a heroic struggle.

Now all everyone’s freaking out because they think these bigfeet will kill them. And Jonah keeps quoting some guy named Oscar Butts.

"Lonnie must have been here, I found his whistle."

But, yeah, fuck. Those fucking Manaha are all up in everyones business. They fucking abducted a Ranger. Jonah is trying to lead his companions out of the woods, but their path is always obstructed by those piss-boner Manahas. Fuck those guys.

Anyway, yeah. Between scenes I guess Jonah reads The Secret because now he’s convinced that if he believes the Manaha aren’t real, then they won’t be. I hope that’s a bet you’re willing to wager all of your blood on, kid. The others don’t agree with him, but Jonah is seriously fed up with this bullshit.

"I've had it up to here with the cunts."

They go off into the woods and Jonah finds all of the missing people tied up in man-sacks hanging from steaks.

Looks like someone's getting ready to cook up a big ol' batch of dude-tea

Apparently the Indian did it. He was behind it all along. Let’s log this one down in the books, folks. What a twist. Astounding.

Had us all fooled, he did.

Jonah decides to Fuck you, Indian! He scares him back into his cave with his own magic statue.

"Destroy him, statue. This I command!"

and traps him inside forever. All’s well that ends well as Jonah is now promoted to Scout Leader and Lonnie demonted to Scout Dip-shit (now officially)

Fuck you, Lonnie.

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