Tag Archives: Comedy

Cooking on a Budget with Sunday Muldoon


               SUNDAY MULDOON wears pajama pants and a Hawaiian shirt. He
               stands next to a make shift kitchen consisting of a hot
               plate, a pot, a pan and wood spoons. SHOES holds the camera
               in a wavering, rocky grip. 

               The room is messy. Pot paraphernalia, cigarette butts and
               liquor bottles are littered across it and a tent with a
               mattress inside of it fills out one corner. 

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Hey everybody, I'm Sunday Muldoon,
                         and this is "Cooking on a Budget
                         with Sunday Muldoon". Who is...me.
                         And on the camera we have Shoes.
                         Shoes, hand me the camera so you
                         can introduce yourself.

                         Right on.

               CUT TO

               Shoes stands in frame. He claps two mismatched shoes together
               and nods to the camera.


               CUT BACK

               Shoes again holds the camera with Sunday on screen next to
               his kitchen.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         So, today our meal will be an egg
                         sandwich and mashed potatoes. We're
                         still waiting on the bread, but in
                         the meantime let me take you on a
                         little tour of my kitchen.

               Sunday motions to the table to his side.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON (CONT'D)
                         This is my kitchen. I have a
                         variety of cook-ware... wood
                         spoons. My spice library is
                         constantly changing, but I find I'm
                         never without paprika, or crushed

               CUT TO

               Paprika and crushed waffle cone on the table. The waffle cone
               is in a zip-lock baggy. A cough is heard off camera and a
               cloud of smoke is blown into frame.

               CUT BACK

               Sunday has an egg in each hand. 

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         These're eggs. 

                         Eggs of a chicken.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Correct. Now, I usually buy my eggs
                         one at a time. They go about 80
                         cents per egg. Due to lack of funds
                         I didn't purchase these eggs,
                         though, uh... I actually procured
                         these eggs from a coop my neighbor
                         Julio keeps in his uh...back
                         yard... But if you can afford to
                         buy eggs, I would recommend this
                         approach over thievery, because I
                         was shot during my escape.
                         Fortunately Julio was unable to
                         ascertain my identity during the
                         event, and I know this because had
                         he discovered it was me, my balls
                         would be ensconced within the bowl
                         movements of his pit-bulls and my
                         head would be in a dumpster right
                         now, because Julio is a drug
                         dealer. Julio is actually, uh...my
                         drug dealer...but just buy the

                         Eggs aren't worth your life, dawg.

               CUT TO

               A close-up of Sunday holding an egg out in his palm.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON

               CUT BACK

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Now, the way you should cook these
                         eggs is, turn your hot-plate up as
                         far as you can without blowing a
                         fuse. Crack the protective layering
                         and empty the contents into the

               Sunday begins cooking the eggs. He stirs them a bit as they
               begin steaming. 

               The camera pans down as shoes notices blood pooling on the
               ground at Sunday's feet.

                         Dude, your bullet hole.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Ah, shit!

               CUT TO

               Sunday stirs the eggs for a moment before he looks up.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         While these are cooking lets go
                         find Elbows and check the status of
                         our mashed potatoes. 

               Sunday walks past Shoes, who follows close behind as they
               walk out of the front door of the shack and emerge into a
               sunlit back-yard, just as messy as Sunday's garage. Sitting
               with his back turned, on a rickety lawn chair is, ELBOWS. 

               Elbows is wearing a filthy wife beater, leisure pants and
               aviator sunglasses. He has a huge mustache and a cigarette
               dangles from his mouth. He robotically and monotonously
               mashes a bowl full of potatoes. 

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON (CONT'D)
                         How're the potatoes?

               Elbows continues mashing the potatoes, ash from his cigarette
               falls into the bowl. He pays no mind.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON (CONT'D)

               Sunday looks up and nods to Shoes.

               CUT TO

               Back inside. Sunday is next to his cooking station once more.
               He lightly prods at the simmering eggs. 

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         So...I, uhh...yeah. Those potatoes
                         are actually, like, earth potatoes.
                         Like we just found em' out...like,
                         it was like a field?

                         Yeah, it was like a fucking field.
                         Filled with potatoes.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         I'm not sure why they were out

                         Doesn't make any sense.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         But there were dozens...


                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Innumerable potatoes.

                         Sacks of potatoes.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Sacks, buckets...

                         Buckets full of potatoes.

               Shoes pans down to reveal SCOOTER crouched on the ground.
               Scooter is wearing only boxer shorts. He has his ear planted
               next to an air-cleaner sitting on the floor. His face is
               intensely focused and filled with awe. He's holding a rag in
               one hand.

                                   SHOES (CONT'D)
                         Hey, it's Scooter.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Scooter! Hey, Scootey! Scoots
                         McGoots! Yeah...Scooter...

                         Do you smell...starter fluid?

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Whatcha doin' down there, Scoot?

               Scooter continues silently listening to the hum of the air
               cleaner for several seconds before slowly raising the rag to
               his face and inhaling deeply.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON (CONT'D)

               The camera pans back up to look at Sunday.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON (CONT'D)
                         Uhh...so back to the eggs, then.

               Smoke streams into frame for a second before a cough is heard
               and a massive cloud is exhaled by Shoes who begins hacking

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON (CONT'D)
                         Shit, dude, are you cool?

               Shoes continues coughing. His hand enters the frame to hand
               Sunday a joint.


               Sunday walks over to the hot-plate, grabs the pan and pours
               the now cooked eggs onto a paper-plate.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         And that's how you cook eggs!


                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Oh, fuck my balls!

               The camera turns to reveal JULIO standing in the doorway.
               Julio stares at Sunday with dead eyes and his hands casually
               in his pocket. Both of his hands are in the same pocket. He's
               dressed like a drug dealer. Like a HELLA drug dealer. 

                         What up, fella?

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Julio! My man!

               Sunday forces an awkward smile. Shoes aims the camera back
               and forth from Julio to Sunday as the conversation proceeds.

                         Did you guys see anything weird

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Weird like...?

                         A guy wearing panty-hose over his
                         head running around with about 20 -
                         27 eggs in his pockets?

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Eggs in pockets? Rings no bells,

                         So you didn't see anything?

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON

                         What're you cooking?

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON

                         I thought we were cooking eggs?

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Egg chili.

                         Egg chili?

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         It's a...Mongolian recipe.

               Julio stares blankly and un-blinking. 

                         Do you think he knows?

                         Knows what?

                         Holy shit! I thought you left.



               Shoes looks to Sunday who shakes his head from side to side.

                         What the fuck is that?

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON

               Julio walks over to a pair of cargo pants hanging from a nail
               in the wall. The pockets are bulbous and swelling. Julio
               reaches into one of them and pulls out an egg. He stares at
               it, face igniting with rage.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON (CONT'D)

               A noise is heard from the front door, Shoes aims the camera
               toward it. Elbows is standing in the doorway, staring,
               smoking, and mashing potatoes.

               CUT TO

               Julio lies dead on the floor. Elbows sits on a stool eating
               the plate of eggs. His elbows are covered in blood. Sunday
               stares at Julio's corpse in aghast silence. 

                         Fuck, man.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON

                         Dude, where's Scooter?

                         I'm in the tent!


                         Did Elbows just kill a guy?



                                   SUNDAY MULDOON

               From off screen a loaf of bread flies into frame and bounces
               off of Sunday's face to land on the floor. 

                         Breads here!

               Sunday looks directly into the camera.

                                   SUNDAY MULDOON
                         Did you turn the camera back on?


               CUT TO BLACK


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Vengeance of the Space Dinosaur: Spaceosaur kills! – Early Draft

               A scenic landscape, a comet descends from the heavens
               crashing into the country-side creating a glowing mushroom
               cloud and a tremendous shock-wave.

               EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY

               A young couple picnics in the hills, the woman is pregnant.

                         Well you know you're not supposed
                         to ride roller-coasters when you're

                         That's absurd, children love roller

               The SPACEOSAUR erupts into the scene. He smooshes the man's
               head to death with his space reeboks, blood sprays all over
               the pregnant lady and fucking everywhere as she screams. The
               Spaceosaur turns to the girl.

                                   PREGNANT LADY
                         Don't hurt my baby!

               The Spaceosaur sinks his claws into her uterus and tears her
               fetus from her stomach, the woman dies as she watches The
               Spaceosaur feasting upon her unborn child.



                                   GENERAL ROGER
                         Thor! Scanners have discovered an
                         extraterrestrial entity operating
                         in sector P-42. We need you to
                         track it down and eliminate it. 

               Thor shoots General Roger in the leg.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         That's Commander Laserpunch to you,
                         general douche-dick. 

               General Roger limps away crying. Thor gears up, preparing for

               EXT. STREETS - DAY

               MASTER ROBOT exits his car-spaceship on the streets of a
               city. He is immediately approached by a homeless man, seeking

                         Got any spare change?

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         The only thing I can spare... is

               Master Robot removes his laser-caster and destroys the
               homeless man. He walks away. He's wearing sunglasses. 

               EXT. HILLS - DAY

               The Spaceosaur stomps around like a dinosaur. And growls and
               shit. Um. He finds a puppy walking around he bends down to
               pet it, then he picks it up and puts it in his spaceosaur
               jaws. Puppy blood stains the hills crimson. Spaceosaur roars
               to the heavens as he holds the dead puppy aloft in a clenched
               and bloodstained fist.

               EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY

               Thor Laserpunch tracks the Spaceosaur to the scene of the
               picnic slaughter. He eats one of the blood spattered
               sandwiches for lunch. A laserbeam zooms through the air by
               his head.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Jesus FUCK!

               Thor whirls around, drawing his side-arm. In front of him now
               stands Master Robot. They aim their weapons at one and other.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH (CONT'D)
                         Who the fuck are you?!

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Master Robot!

               MORE LASERS! Thor dodges them, and fires his pistol hitting
               Master Robot in the chest. The bullets have no effect. Master
               Robot fires yet more lasers.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Stop shooting lasers at me!

                                   MASTER ROBOT

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         So I take it you're the alien.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         No, you're the alien!

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Bullshit, you're an alien.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         No, you are.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         You're on my planet!

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Your planet is an alien, too!

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         How dare you!

               They continue exchanging fire.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH (CONT'D)
                         Did you eat this baby?!

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         No, it was the Spaceosaur.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         I'm after the Spaceosaur, too. Why
                         don't we work together?

                                   MASTER ROBOT

               They both put their weapons away and shake hands.

                                   MASTER ROBOT (CONT'D)
                         I'm Master Robot, as I said
                         earlier. You are?

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Thor Laserpunch!

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Nice to meet you.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         You too.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Wanna burn a J?

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Of course I do.

               EXT. HILLS - DAY

               Two dudes sit on the tailgate of a pick-up, slamming beers.

                                   DUDE 1
                         A couch, a refrigerator box and a
                         tarp. That's all I need.

                                   DUDE 2
                         I like to put paprika on my brown
                         rice, spice it up a bit.

                                   DUDE 1
                         I'm going to pee somewhere far

                                   DUDE 2
                         I know it seems gay, but something
                         about my neighbors dog just does it
                         for me.

               EXT. EARTH - DAY

               Dude 1 walks a distance from Dude 2, he unzips he pants and
               commences urination. A sickening chomping sound is heard,
               Dude 1 looks down to see THE FUCKING SPACEOSAUR TOTALLY
               BITING HIS DICK OFF! And blood is spraying fucking
               EVERYWHERE! Dick blood. The darkest shade of blood.

                                   DUDE 1
                         My dick! MY DICK! A DINOSAUR IS
                         EATING MY DICK!

               Dude 1 falls over, dead from de-dickification. 

               EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY

               Dude 2 sits and drinks more beer. The Spaceosaur approaches.
               Dude 2 turns and looks at it.

                                   DUDE 2
                         Holy shit, a fucking dinosaur!

               Dude 2 tries to run but the Spaceosuar grabs him and hurls
               him into the truck, exploding his fucking head like a melon
               filled with human brains. Everywhere.

               EXT. HILLS - DAY

               Master Robot and Thor Laserpunch sit smoking a doobie.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         So why do they call you Master

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Because I AM the master robot.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Right on.

               Screaming is heard from the distance.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH (CONT'D)
                         Did you hear that?

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Of course I did, my ears are robot.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Is it the Spaceosaur?

               Master Robot nods.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH (CONT'D)
                         Lets rock n' roll this mother

               Master Robot and Commander Thor Laserpunch do a jump-five and
               run towards the source of the screams.

               EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY

               Thor and Master Robot find the dickless Dude 1, lying in the
               dirt in a pool of his own crotch-blood. Dead. Then they find
               Dude 2's fucking exploded head by the truck.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Holy cock, this Spaceosaur has a
                         thirst for murder beyond that of
                         any Spaceosaur I've ever
                         encountered before this Spaceosaur.

               SPACEOSAUR jumps out and punches Thor right in his fucking

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Holy shit!

               Master Robot draws his laser beam gun and takes aim.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         LASER FUCK!

               He shoots lasers at the Spaceosaur but the lasers have no
               effect. He must resort to break-dance fighting. They fight
               while Thor collects himself. Spaceosaur bitch-slaps Master
               Robot to the ground. Thor aims his fucking MACHINE GUN at the
               SPACEOSAUR and opens fire.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Burn in space-hell, fuck-ass!

               The bullets have no effect. Thor abandons his gun. Thor and
               Master Robot briefly fight the Spaceosaur, but the power of
               the Spaceosaur is too great. He drops Thor with a left hook
               to the liver, before turning and slapping Master Robots head
               right the fuck off. He then walks to Thor and hacks him to
               balls with a Samurai Sword. 

               The Spaceosaur stands, arms raised in victory. But then THE
               WIZARD is all like--

                         Wizard POWER!

               The Wizard kills the shit out of the Spaceosaur with Wizard

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         Wizard POWER!

                         They sent me from Wizard Planet.

               A Space Ship flies and shoots laser-beams at The Wizard, but
               the Wizard shoots Wizard-Beams and destroys the Space-ship.

                                   WIZARD (CONT'D)
                         Wizard POW-

               The Wizard is cut off when the SPACEOSAUR returns as ZOMBIE
               SPACEOSAUR and garrotes that dirty fucking wizard to death.
               Spaceosaur raises his arms in victory once more.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)

Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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