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Intervention

INT. TODD'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

               The living room is spacious, with a tile floor a television
               and a sprawling couch. It leads into a kitchen on one side
               and a hallway on the other. BETH, TONY, PHIL and RANDY all
               sit on Todd's couch with ANDREW sitting on a metal folding
               chair in the middle of the floor holding a clipboard. 

                                   ANDREW
                         Okay, so when your friend arrives
                         here you need to be firm, but
                         gentle. We don't want him to feel
                         victimized. 

                                   TONY
                         Are we allowed to throw things?

                                   ANDREW
                         Don't throw things.

                                   TONY
                         Sweet.

                                   ANDREW
                         The first thing we're going to want
                         to do is get him to admit he has a
                         problem. I know you guys have all
                         written down some things you wanted
                         to say- 

               Andrew is interrupted by the sound of Tony lighting up a bowl
               of sticky green. He takes a massive hit, then passes it to
               Phil, who eagerly accepts. Andrew stares at them. 

                                   ANDREW (CONT'D)
                         What are you doing?

               Phil exhales his hit.

                                   PHIL
                         I can't speak for anyone else, but
                         I'm gettin' motherfucking high off
                         this bumbleberry green-green cause
                         I got a feeling that things are
                         about to get intense in here. 

                                   ANDREW
                         This is an intervention.

                                   PHIL
                         Exactly.

               Phil and Andrew look at each other. Phil holds the pipe out
               to Andrew.

                                   ANDREW
                         No thanks.

               Phil shrugs and hands the pipe to Randy. Andrew shakes his
               head and gets back to business. 

                                   ANDREW (CONT'D)
                         Ok, moving on. I know we should
                         have done this earlier, but I think
                         it would be a good idea for you all
                         to rehearse what you were going to
                         say. Beth, why don't we start with
                         you?

               Beth unfolds a piece of paper and begins reading from it.

                                   BETH
                         Todd, we have been friends for
                         almost six whole weeks. I will
                         forever remember and cherish our
                         memories together. But I can no
                         longer ignore the toll your
                         addiction is taking on yourself, on
                         your friends and loved ones, and on
                         your community.

                                   ANDREW
                         That's good, that's a good start.

               Todd enters. He looks around in confusion.

                                   TODD
                         Uh...hey, guys. What's up?

                                   ANDREW
                         Hello, you must be Todd.

               Andrew gets up and shakes Todd's hand then gestures to a
               second folding metal chair near his. 

                                   ANDREW (CONT'D)
                         Why don't you take a seat, your
                         friends had something they wanted
                         to say to you.

                                   TODD
                         Uh, yeah, sure. I guess.

               Todd sighs and looks at everyone.

                                   TODD (CONT'D)
                         So what's this all about?

                                   ANDREW
                         Beth, why don't you start from the
                         top?

               Beth takes a deep breath and reads.

                                   BETH
                         Todd, we have been friends for
                         almost six whole weeks. I will
                         forever remember and cherish our
                         memories together. But I can no
                         longer ignore the toll your
                         addiction is taking on yourself, on
                         your friends and loved ones, and on
                         your community. Every time you
                         murder and eat a human being, it's
                         like we all die a little bit on the
                         inside. 

               At this point Andrew's face shifts as if he is trying to
               decide what he'd just heard.

                                   BETH (CONT'D)
                         And one of us dies all the way,
                         literally. Because you kill them
                         for food. You're losing your
                         humanity, Todd, and I can't stand
                         idly by anymore.

               Silence. Andrew is visibly perplexed and disturbed. Beth
               folds the paper back up and puts it in her pocket.

                                   TODD
                         Holy fucking shit. This is an
                         intervention isn't it? I just
                         noticed the sign.

               Todd points to a large banner pinned to the wall behind the
               couch with the words "HAPPY INTERVENTION" written on it on
               festive lettering. Also two helium filled balloons bouncing
               against the ceiling. 

                                   BETH
                         Yes, Todd. That is what this is.

                                   ANDREW
                         Wait a minute. What are you saying?

                                   BETH
                         Were you not listening? You're
                         supposed to be the professional
                         intervener around here and you're
                         not even paying attention to what's
                         going on?

                                   ANDREW
                         Are you saying this man is a
                         cannibal?

                                   BETH
                         Yeah, that's why we're here.

                                   ANDREW
                         You said he had an eating disorder.

                                   BETH
                         That's correct. 

                                   PHIL
                         If cannibalism isn't an eating
                         disorder...I mean...

                                   BETH
                         Yeah, like, what would be?

                                   ANDREW
                         I'm not really sure how to go about
                         uh, are...you're not serious?

               Everybody looks and Andrew for a moment. Phil breaks the
               silence. 

                                   PHIL
                         I think we're building up some
                         pretty good momentum, I feel like
                         we should just keep on chugging
                         along. What do you think?

               He looks at Andrew. 

                                   ANDREW
                         Uh...

                                   PHIL
                         I agree.

                                   TONY
                         Can I go next?

                                   TODD
                         You guys, this is crazy, I don't
                         have a problem with eating people.

                                   PHIL
                         We know. That's the problem. Tony?

               Tony holds up his piece of paper and begins reading.

                                   TONY
                         Two weeks ago, you came over to my
                         house to chill. It was fun, we
                         drank a whole fifth of schnapps,
                         smoked some premium purple chronic,
                         and kicked back. I thought we
                         bonded that night, I thought you
                         were one of my real, true friends,
                         but the next morning when I woke up
                         from my deep alcohol induced sleep
                         I found that you had stolen all of
                         my weed, my skeleton-riding-a
                         skateboard bong, all of the cash
                         from my wallet and had somehow
                         removed all of my toes without
                         waking me up. When I went over to
                         your house to try to sort things
                         out, you answered the door eating a
                         burrito. With my toes in it. There
                         they were, all mixed in with beans
                         and chicken and salsa. My toes. I
                         felt betrayed. Probably the most
                         betrayed I have ever felt in my
                         life. How am I ever going to trust
                         you again? My grandma gave me that
                         bong. 

                                   ANDREW
                         This is a set-up, right? Did they
                         bring back Scare Tactics?

                                   RANDY
                         Loved that show.

                                   TONY
                         My toes are wood now.

                                   ANDREW
                         What the fuck is going on?

                                   TODD
                         Come on, how could you guys
                         actually think I eat people?

               Phil points to a large white-board with the words "People to
               Eat List" written on it, followed by a series of names, some
               of them crossed out, including: Phil, Randy, Beth, Tony and
               Viggo Mortensen.

                                   PHIL
                         Well that's kind of a dead
                         giveaway.

                                   TODD
                         Oh, shit...all right, I admit it.
                         I'm a cannibal.

               Tony studies the names on the whiteboard.

                                   TONY
                         I was wondering what happened to
                         Marsha.

                                   BETH
                         Why is Viggo Mortensen's name on
                         there?

                                   TODD
                         I just saw Eastern Promises.

                                   RANDY
                         Loved that movie.

                                   BETH
                         Why is it crossed off?

                                   PHIL
                         Alright everybody, let's get back
                         on track. 

               Phil looks to Andrew.

                                   PHIL (CONT'D)
                         What should we do next?

               Andrew takes a moment to respond. His eyes betray bafflement.

                                   ANDREW
                         I'm not really sure what's going on
                         here, but if this guy is actually
                         murdering and eating people-

                                   PHIL
                         He is.

                                   BETH
                         He definitely is.

               Everyone nods in agreement.

                                   TODD
                         I've seen him do it.

                                   PHIL
                         We're talking about you.

               Todd shrugs.

                                   ANDREW
                         -Then you should probably call the
                         police. 

                                   PHIL
                         Ya know...I like where this
                         intervention is heading so I think
                         we should just power on through
                         this. Let's save the police as a
                         last resort.

               Andrew gets out of his chair and begins walking toward the
               door.

                                   ANDREW
                         Well, I don't know if it's really
                         necessary for me to be here anymore
                         so I'm just gonna-

                                   TODD
                         Well, you actually can't leave. 

               Andrew stops half-way to the front door.

                                   ANDREW
                         What?

                                   TODD
                         The doors are all dead-bolted. You
                         can't exit the house without a key.
                         A key I have placed at the end of a
                         maze of tunnels underneath my
                         house. Tunnels filled with traps,
                         and starving, feral, pigs. You're
                         free to-

                                   PHIL
                         I thought you just kept it in your
                         wallet.

               Todd sighs.

                                   TODD
                         Fuck! How did you know that?

                                   PHIL 
                         You told me once when we were hella
                         high. We were on our way out for
                         cheetos. I couldn't open the front
                         door. Remember?

                                   TODD
                         Yeah, now I do.

                                   PHIL
                         I was like: "Hey, man...the doors
                         locked."

                                   TODD
                         Yeah. Yeah.

               Todd nods.

                                   PHIL
                         And you were like: "yeah, you can't
                         get out without this key." Then you
                         showed me the key. Remember? I was
                         like "That key?" And you were like
                         "Yeah, this one. This key that I
                         keep in my wallet." Remember that?

               Todd nods some more. Phil takes a hit from the pipe.

                                   TODD
                         Yeah. Yeah, I do...but I'm not
                         going to unlock the doors.
                         So...you're still trapped.

                                   RANDY
                         When you say trapped you mean
                         like...we can't get out?

                                   TODD
                         Fraid so, buddy.

                                   PHIL
                         Well, we could break through a
                         window.

                                   ANDREW
                         Jesus fucking Christ. What is this?
                         What is this?!

                                   PHIL 
                         Hey, man, calm down. It's my turn
                         now. I have some words I want Todd
                         to hear. From my heart. 

               Andrew runs off and starts trying to find a way out, trying
               various windows and doors. Phil removes his paper and starts
               reading.

                                   PHIL (CONT'D)
                         I was willing to turn a blind eye
                         when you ate the mailman. I was
                         willing to look the other way when
                         you ate the pizza delivery guy. I
                         was willing to forgive you when you
                         ate my cousin. But when you ate my
                         dad...in my own house...and you
                         just left the mess there for me to
                         clean up for you.  It's like you
                         don't even care. It's like you
                         don't even care what kind of person
                         you are anymore, or the affect you
                         have on those around you. You ate
                         my father. Ate him alive. And I had
                         to deal with that. You need to stop
                         eating people. I thought that maybe
                         writing a short poem about the
                         experience might help you to
                         understand how you made me feel.
                         Here it is: You ate my dad, and it
                         made me mad, you ate my dad, and it
                         made me sad. It was the opposite of
                         rad. It was really, really bad, and
                         I would be glad if you had not
                         eaten my dad...but you did. The
                         end.

               Randy starts clapping. For a long time Randy's clapping is
               the only noise made. Eventually he stops.

                                   BETH
                         That poem was fucking retarded.

                                   TODD
                         Don't listen to her, bro. I was
                         moved.

                                   PHIL
                         Thanks, man. 

               Andrew walks back to the group and sits down in his chair.

                                   ANDREW
                         I just checked the doors and
                         windows and we're actually trapped
                         in here.

                                   TODD
                         Told you.

                                   PHIL
                         Could just break a window.

                                   ANDREW
                         Look guys, if this is all some kind
                         of sick joke you better fess up now
                         because it's not funny. I'm
                         actually starting to freak out,
                         alright. For real. Just...cut it
                         out.

                                   PHIL
                         No joke, man. 

                                   ANDREW
                         I'm calling the police.

                                   TODD
                         Your cell phones won't work in
                         here.

               Andrew tries his cell, he fidgets with it in frustration. It
               won't work.

                                   ANDREW
                         How are you doing this?!

                                   TODD
                         Technology.

                                   PHIL
                         Randy, why don't you go next. 

               Randy nods to Phil and readies his paper for reading.

                                   RANDY
                         I thought you were a cool guy. I
                         thought you were my friend. But the
                         night I woke up and found you
                         suckling upon a fresh wound I had
                         acquired earlier that day in a
                         bicycle accident changed all of
                         that. I remember that event vividly

               FLASHBACK

               INT. RANDY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               Randy is fast asleep. Under the blankets by his legs there is
               a man shaped lump, moving very slightly. Randy stirs to
               consciousness and notices the shape. He throws back the
               covers to reveal, Todd.

                                   RANDY (V.O.)
                         I remember you, drinking my blood
                         like milk from a mother's nipple. I
                         remember the awkward look you got
                         on your face when you realized I
                         was awake.

               Todd's mouth is open and pressed against Randy's bare and
               bloody leg. His eyes go wide as he realizes he has been
               discovered. He stares at Randy with an awkward, apologetic
               and shamed look. Randy stares back in disgust and shock.

                                   RANDY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                         The way we stared at one and other
                         in absolute silence for what felt
                         like hours.

               Todd removes his mouth from Randy's leg, and places a band
               aid over his naked wound. 

                                   RANDY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                         I remember when you broke the
                         silence by saying-

                                   TODD
                         Sorry, I thought this was somebody
                         else's blood.

                                   RANDY
                         Then crawled on your hands and
                         knees out of my bedroom and down
                         the hallway.

               Todd crawls off of Randy's bed and creeps out of his room on
               all fours out of sight.

               BACK TO SCENE

               Randy sits at the couch reading. Everyone listens intently.

                                   RANDY
                         And I also remember a few other
                         things. I remember not being able
                         to sleep for more than a few
                         minutes at a time. I remember
                         locking my bedroom door and
                         propping a chair against the handle
                         at nights. I remember never feeling
                         safe, and always needing the lights
                         on. I remember those things,
                         because I am living them
                         constantly. And that's because of
                         you, Todd. For fear of you coming
                         into my room one night and drinking
                         all of my blood as I sleep. Or
                         maybe dropping all attempts at
                         subtlety and just bashing me over
                         the head, dragging me away and
                         eating me alive like you did Phil's
                         dad. Are you proud of yourself,
                         Todd? Are you proud of what you've
                         done to me?

               Todd, shrugs and halfheartedly nods.

                                   RANDY (CONT'D)
                         I still don't know how you got into
                         my house that night.

                                   TODD
                         I was actually hiding under your
                         bed all day long.

                                   RANDY
                         That makes it worse.

               Todd nods.

                                   PHIL
                         I'm officially calling for an
                         intermission in this intervention.
                         I'm gonna get a beer. 

               Phil walks over to Todd's refrigerator. He opens it for a
               split second, slams it shut, spins around and pukes into the
               sink.

                                   TODD
                         You okay in there, buddy?

               Todd walks out of the kitchen back to the couch and sits
               down. 

                                   PHIL
                         There are about two half-dozen
                         severed heads in there.

               Andrew abruptly stands and walks into the kitchen, looks into
               the fridge, screams and bolts for the front door. It still
               won't open. He runs back to the group, stopping next to the
               white board in a panic. 

                                   ANDREW
                         I don't know what you sick, crazy,
                         degenerates are doing or why you're
                         doing it. I don't know if this is a
                         joke or if it's real, and I don't
                         care anymore.

               As Andrew rants Todd gets up and walks over to the
               whiteboard. He begins writing something.

                                   ANDREW (CONT'D)
                         Do you realize that this is a
                         crime? Do you realize you're
                         committing a crime right now? I
                         could have you all thrown in jail
                         for this! 

               Andrew has written the words "This Guy" under the "People to
               Eat" list and drawn an arrow pointing toward Andrew. He walks
               away while Andrew continues his tirade.

                                   ANDREW (CONT'D)
                         I swear on everything that is holy,
                         if someone doesn't let me out of
                         that door right now, I am going
                         through one of these fucking
                         windows!

               Andrew turns around and sees Todd standing next to him with a
               mallet, practicing his hammer bashing technique. He notices
               the words on the white-board and the arrow pointing directly
               at him. Todd stops swinging the mallet and glares at Andrew.
               Andrew looks back. Fight or flight kicks in as Andrew turns
               tail and runs.

                                   BETH
                         I don't think this intervention
                         bull-shit is working. Didn't we pay
                         this dick-wad?

                                   PHIL
                         Yeah. And I am most assuredly not a
                         satisfied customer. 

                                   TONY
                         Wasn't he supposed to cure him?
                         Isn't that what this was all about?

                                   PHIL
                         That's what I thought, man. And I
                         don't think he did...

               Todd chases Andrew in circles into the kitchen on one side
               and out the other over and over again. Andrew grabs loaves of
               bread and bagels and bananas to hurl at his attacker in a
               last ditch effort at self defense.

                                   TODD
                         Stop throwing things at me!

                                   ANDREW
                         Leave me alone!

                                   TODD
                         You're going in my belly, you!

                                   PHIL
                         ...Cause I'm pretty sure Todd still
                         eats people. 

               Andrew runs over to the couch in a blind panic.

                                   ANDREW
                         Somebody do something! HELP!

                                   PHIL
                         Hey, man... we're gonna need our
                         200 bucks back.

               Todd finally catches up to Andrew and bashes him over the
               head with the mallet. Andrew falls to the ground, bleeding
               and unconscious. Everyone else stares in aghast silence. Todd
               wraps his hands around Andrew's ankles and begins dragging
               him away. He pauses. Looks at the group.

                                   TODD 
                         You guys can chill if you want. I
                         was about to start the first season
                         of Lost.

               Todd pulls Andrew across the living room floor, around a
               corner and in to the kitchen. The gang all watches from the
               couch. Andrew's head wound leaves a streak of blood across
               the tile. The gang can see him going through kitchen drawers
               and cabinets retrieving various cooking utensils.

                                   PHIL
                         I've never seen Lost.

               Tony lights up the pipe. Todd walks out of the kitchen and
               addresses the group, holding a can of paprika in one hand and
               a meat cleaver in the other.

                                   TODD 
                         I'm about to have some dinner in a
                         minute, too.

               He shrugs, turns around and gets back to his food
               preparation. 

                                   TONY
                         ...paprika...?

               CUT TO BLACK
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