Tag Archives: screenplay



               The living room is spacious, with a tile floor a television
               and a sprawling couch. It leads into a kitchen on one side
               and a hallway on the other. BETH, TONY, PHIL and RANDY all
               sit on Todd's couch with ANDREW sitting on a metal folding
               chair in the middle of the floor holding a clipboard. 

                         Okay, so when your friend arrives
                         here you need to be firm, but
                         gentle. We don't want him to feel

                         Are we allowed to throw things?

                         Don't throw things.


                         The first thing we're going to want
                         to do is get him to admit he has a
                         problem. I know you guys have all
                         written down some things you wanted
                         to say- 

               Andrew is interrupted by the sound of Tony lighting up a bowl
               of sticky green. He takes a massive hit, then passes it to
               Phil, who eagerly accepts. Andrew stares at them. 

                                   ANDREW (CONT'D)
                         What are you doing?

               Phil exhales his hit.

                         I can't speak for anyone else, but
                         I'm gettin' motherfucking high off
                         this bumbleberry green-green cause
                         I got a feeling that things are
                         about to get intense in here. 

                         This is an intervention.


               Phil and Andrew look at each other. Phil holds the pipe out
               to Andrew.

                         No thanks.

               Phil shrugs and hands the pipe to Randy. Andrew shakes his
               head and gets back to business. 

                                   ANDREW (CONT'D)
                         Ok, moving on. I know we should
                         have done this earlier, but I think
                         it would be a good idea for you all
                         to rehearse what you were going to
                         say. Beth, why don't we start with

               Beth unfolds a piece of paper and begins reading from it.

                         Todd, we have been friends for
                         almost six whole weeks. I will
                         forever remember and cherish our
                         memories together. But I can no
                         longer ignore the toll your
                         addiction is taking on yourself, on
                         your friends and loved ones, and on
                         your community.

                         That's good, that's a good start.

               Todd enters. He looks around in confusion.

                         Uh...hey, guys. What's up?

                         Hello, you must be Todd.

               Andrew gets up and shakes Todd's hand then gestures to a
               second folding metal chair near his. 

                                   ANDREW (CONT'D)
                         Why don't you take a seat, your
                         friends had something they wanted
                         to say to you.

                         Uh, yeah, sure. I guess.

               Todd sighs and looks at everyone.

                                   TODD (CONT'D)
                         So what's this all about?

                         Beth, why don't you start from the

               Beth takes a deep breath and reads.

                         Todd, we have been friends for
                         almost six whole weeks. I will
                         forever remember and cherish our
                         memories together. But I can no
                         longer ignore the toll your
                         addiction is taking on yourself, on
                         your friends and loved ones, and on
                         your community. Every time you
                         murder and eat a human being, it's
                         like we all die a little bit on the

               At this point Andrew's face shifts as if he is trying to
               decide what he'd just heard.

                                   BETH (CONT'D)
                         And one of us dies all the way,
                         literally. Because you kill them
                         for food. You're losing your
                         humanity, Todd, and I can't stand
                         idly by anymore.

               Silence. Andrew is visibly perplexed and disturbed. Beth
               folds the paper back up and puts it in her pocket.

                         Holy fucking shit. This is an
                         intervention isn't it? I just
                         noticed the sign.

               Todd points to a large banner pinned to the wall behind the
               couch with the words "HAPPY INTERVENTION" written on it on
               festive lettering. Also two helium filled balloons bouncing
               against the ceiling. 

                         Yes, Todd. That is what this is.

                         Wait a minute. What are you saying?

                         Were you not listening? You're
                         supposed to be the professional
                         intervener around here and you're
                         not even paying attention to what's
                         going on?

                         Are you saying this man is a

                         Yeah, that's why we're here.

                         You said he had an eating disorder.

                         That's correct. 

                         If cannibalism isn't an eating
                         disorder...I mean...

                         Yeah, like, what would be?

                         I'm not really sure how to go about
                         uh, are...you're not serious?

               Everybody looks and Andrew for a moment. Phil breaks the

                         I think we're building up some
                         pretty good momentum, I feel like
                         we should just keep on chugging
                         along. What do you think?

               He looks at Andrew. 


                         I agree.

                         Can I go next?

                         You guys, this is crazy, I don't
                         have a problem with eating people.

                         We know. That's the problem. Tony?

               Tony holds up his piece of paper and begins reading.

                         Two weeks ago, you came over to my
                         house to chill. It was fun, we
                         drank a whole fifth of schnapps,
                         smoked some premium purple chronic,
                         and kicked back. I thought we
                         bonded that night, I thought you
                         were one of my real, true friends,
                         but the next morning when I woke up
                         from my deep alcohol induced sleep
                         I found that you had stolen all of
                         my weed, my skeleton-riding-a
                         skateboard bong, all of the cash
                         from my wallet and had somehow
                         removed all of my toes without
                         waking me up. When I went over to
                         your house to try to sort things
                         out, you answered the door eating a
                         burrito. With my toes in it. There
                         they were, all mixed in with beans
                         and chicken and salsa. My toes. I
                         felt betrayed. Probably the most
                         betrayed I have ever felt in my
                         life. How am I ever going to trust
                         you again? My grandma gave me that

                         This is a set-up, right? Did they
                         bring back Scare Tactics?

                         Loved that show.

                         My toes are wood now.

                         What the fuck is going on?

                         Come on, how could you guys
                         actually think I eat people?

               Phil points to a large white-board with the words "People to
               Eat List" written on it, followed by a series of names, some
               of them crossed out, including: Phil, Randy, Beth, Tony and
               Viggo Mortensen.

                         Well that's kind of a dead

                         Oh, shit...all right, I admit it.
                         I'm a cannibal.

               Tony studies the names on the whiteboard.

                         I was wondering what happened to

                         Why is Viggo Mortensen's name on

                         I just saw Eastern Promises.

                         Loved that movie.

                         Why is it crossed off?

                         Alright everybody, let's get back
                         on track. 

               Phil looks to Andrew.

                                   PHIL (CONT'D)
                         What should we do next?

               Andrew takes a moment to respond. His eyes betray bafflement.

                         I'm not really sure what's going on
                         here, but if this guy is actually
                         murdering and eating people-

                         He is.

                         He definitely is.

               Everyone nods in agreement.

                         I've seen him do it.

                         We're talking about you.

               Todd shrugs.

                         -Then you should probably call the

                         Ya know...I like where this
                         intervention is heading so I think
                         we should just power on through
                         this. Let's save the police as a
                         last resort.

               Andrew gets out of his chair and begins walking toward the

                         Well, I don't know if it's really
                         necessary for me to be here anymore
                         so I'm just gonna-

                         Well, you actually can't leave. 

               Andrew stops half-way to the front door.


                         The doors are all dead-bolted. You
                         can't exit the house without a key.
                         A key I have placed at the end of a
                         maze of tunnels underneath my
                         house. Tunnels filled with traps,
                         and starving, feral, pigs. You're
                         free to-

                         I thought you just kept it in your

               Todd sighs.

                         Fuck! How did you know that?

                         You told me once when we were hella
                         high. We were on our way out for
                         cheetos. I couldn't open the front
                         door. Remember?

                         Yeah, now I do.

                         I was like: "Hey, man...the doors

                         Yeah. Yeah.

               Todd nods.

                         And you were like: "yeah, you can't
                         get out without this key." Then you
                         showed me the key. Remember? I was
                         like "That key?" And you were like
                         "Yeah, this one. This key that I
                         keep in my wallet." Remember that?

               Todd nods some more. Phil takes a hit from the pipe.

                         Yeah. Yeah, I do...but I'm not
                         going to unlock the doors.
                         So...you're still trapped.

                         When you say trapped you mean
                         like...we can't get out?

                         Fraid so, buddy.

                         Well, we could break through a

                         Jesus fucking Christ. What is this?
                         What is this?!

                         Hey, man, calm down. It's my turn
                         now. I have some words I want Todd
                         to hear. From my heart. 

               Andrew runs off and starts trying to find a way out, trying
               various windows and doors. Phil removes his paper and starts

                                   PHIL (CONT'D)
                         I was willing to turn a blind eye
                         when you ate the mailman. I was
                         willing to look the other way when
                         you ate the pizza delivery guy. I
                         was willing to forgive you when you
                         ate my cousin. But when you ate my
                         dad...in my own house...and you
                         just left the mess there for me to
                         clean up for you.  It's like you
                         don't even care. It's like you
                         don't even care what kind of person
                         you are anymore, or the affect you
                         have on those around you. You ate
                         my father. Ate him alive. And I had
                         to deal with that. You need to stop
                         eating people. I thought that maybe
                         writing a short poem about the
                         experience might help you to
                         understand how you made me feel.
                         Here it is: You ate my dad, and it
                         made me mad, you ate my dad, and it
                         made me sad. It was the opposite of
                         rad. It was really, really bad, and
                         I would be glad if you had not
                         eaten my dad...but you did. The

               Randy starts clapping. For a long time Randy's clapping is
               the only noise made. Eventually he stops.

                         That poem was fucking retarded.

                         Don't listen to her, bro. I was

                         Thanks, man. 

               Andrew walks back to the group and sits down in his chair.

                         I just checked the doors and
                         windows and we're actually trapped
                         in here.

                         Told you.

                         Could just break a window.

                         Look guys, if this is all some kind
                         of sick joke you better fess up now
                         because it's not funny. I'm
                         actually starting to freak out,
                         alright. For real. Just...cut it

                         No joke, man. 

                         I'm calling the police.

                         Your cell phones won't work in

               Andrew tries his cell, he fidgets with it in frustration. It
               won't work.

                         How are you doing this?!


                         Randy, why don't you go next. 

               Randy nods to Phil and readies his paper for reading.

                         I thought you were a cool guy. I
                         thought you were my friend. But the
                         night I woke up and found you
                         suckling upon a fresh wound I had
                         acquired earlier that day in a
                         bicycle accident changed all of
                         that. I remember that event vividly


               INT. RANDY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               Randy is fast asleep. Under the blankets by his legs there is
               a man shaped lump, moving very slightly. Randy stirs to
               consciousness and notices the shape. He throws back the
               covers to reveal, Todd.

                                   RANDY (V.O.)
                         I remember you, drinking my blood
                         like milk from a mother's nipple. I
                         remember the awkward look you got
                         on your face when you realized I
                         was awake.

               Todd's mouth is open and pressed against Randy's bare and
               bloody leg. His eyes go wide as he realizes he has been
               discovered. He stares at Randy with an awkward, apologetic
               and shamed look. Randy stares back in disgust and shock.

                                   RANDY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                         The way we stared at one and other
                         in absolute silence for what felt
                         like hours.

               Todd removes his mouth from Randy's leg, and places a band
               aid over his naked wound. 

                                   RANDY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                         I remember when you broke the
                         silence by saying-

                         Sorry, I thought this was somebody
                         else's blood.

                         Then crawled on your hands and
                         knees out of my bedroom and down
                         the hallway.

               Todd crawls off of Randy's bed and creeps out of his room on
               all fours out of sight.

               BACK TO SCENE

               Randy sits at the couch reading. Everyone listens intently.

                         And I also remember a few other
                         things. I remember not being able
                         to sleep for more than a few
                         minutes at a time. I remember
                         locking my bedroom door and
                         propping a chair against the handle
                         at nights. I remember never feeling
                         safe, and always needing the lights
                         on. I remember those things,
                         because I am living them
                         constantly. And that's because of
                         you, Todd. For fear of you coming
                         into my room one night and drinking
                         all of my blood as I sleep. Or
                         maybe dropping all attempts at
                         subtlety and just bashing me over
                         the head, dragging me away and
                         eating me alive like you did Phil's
                         dad. Are you proud of yourself,
                         Todd? Are you proud of what you've
                         done to me?

               Todd, shrugs and halfheartedly nods.

                                   RANDY (CONT'D)
                         I still don't know how you got into
                         my house that night.

                         I was actually hiding under your
                         bed all day long.

                         That makes it worse.

               Todd nods.

                         I'm officially calling for an
                         intermission in this intervention.
                         I'm gonna get a beer. 

               Phil walks over to Todd's refrigerator. He opens it for a
               split second, slams it shut, spins around and pukes into the

                         You okay in there, buddy?

               Todd walks out of the kitchen back to the couch and sits

                         There are about two half-dozen
                         severed heads in there.

               Andrew abruptly stands and walks into the kitchen, looks into
               the fridge, screams and bolts for the front door. It still
               won't open. He runs back to the group, stopping next to the
               white board in a panic. 

                         I don't know what you sick, crazy,
                         degenerates are doing or why you're
                         doing it. I don't know if this is a
                         joke or if it's real, and I don't
                         care anymore.

               As Andrew rants Todd gets up and walks over to the
               whiteboard. He begins writing something.

                                   ANDREW (CONT'D)
                         Do you realize that this is a
                         crime? Do you realize you're
                         committing a crime right now? I
                         could have you all thrown in jail
                         for this! 

               Andrew has written the words "This Guy" under the "People to
               Eat" list and drawn an arrow pointing toward Andrew. He walks
               away while Andrew continues his tirade.

                                   ANDREW (CONT'D)
                         I swear on everything that is holy,
                         if someone doesn't let me out of
                         that door right now, I am going
                         through one of these fucking

               Andrew turns around and sees Todd standing next to him with a
               mallet, practicing his hammer bashing technique. He notices
               the words on the white-board and the arrow pointing directly
               at him. Todd stops swinging the mallet and glares at Andrew.
               Andrew looks back. Fight or flight kicks in as Andrew turns
               tail and runs.

                         I don't think this intervention
                         bull-shit is working. Didn't we pay
                         this dick-wad?

                         Yeah. And I am most assuredly not a
                         satisfied customer. 

                         Wasn't he supposed to cure him?
                         Isn't that what this was all about?

                         That's what I thought, man. And I
                         don't think he did...

               Todd chases Andrew in circles into the kitchen on one side
               and out the other over and over again. Andrew grabs loaves of
               bread and bagels and bananas to hurl at his attacker in a
               last ditch effort at self defense.

                         Stop throwing things at me!

                         Leave me alone!

                         You're going in my belly, you!

                         ...Cause I'm pretty sure Todd still
                         eats people. 

               Andrew runs over to the couch in a blind panic.

                         Somebody do something! HELP!

                         Hey, man... we're gonna need our
                         200 bucks back.

               Todd finally catches up to Andrew and bashes him over the
               head with the mallet. Andrew falls to the ground, bleeding
               and unconscious. Everyone else stares in aghast silence. Todd
               wraps his hands around Andrew's ankles and begins dragging
               him away. He pauses. Looks at the group.

                         You guys can chill if you want. I
                         was about to start the first season
                         of Lost.

               Todd pulls Andrew across the living room floor, around a
               corner and in to the kitchen. The gang all watches from the
               couch. Andrew's head wound leaves a streak of blood across
               the tile. The gang can see him going through kitchen drawers
               and cabinets retrieving various cooking utensils.

                         I've never seen Lost.

               Tony lights up the pipe. Todd walks out of the kitchen and
               addresses the group, holding a can of paprika in one hand and
               a meat cleaver in the other.

                         I'm about to have some dinner in a
                         minute, too.

               He shrugs, turns around and gets back to his food


               CUT TO BLACK
Tagged , , ,

Rise of the Dickinator: Short Script


               A GERALD sits on a park bench as the sun pierces dimly
               through an overcast sky. THE DICKINATOR approaches him.

                         Can I help yo-

               Gerald is cut off mid-sentence by The Dickinator's shooting
               of his dick with a gun. Blood spills from Gerald's crotch. He
               falls off of the bench and screams in agony.

               OPENING CREDITS

               EXT. PARK - DAY

               Gerald is still lying in front of the park bench. He rolls
               around and groans, soaked in blood. Detectives BACON and POOP
               stand over him.

                         The annihilation of this mans
                         entire crotchial region is-is
                         staggering in its magnitude. I
                         mean, look at this. There's
                         nothing. There's nothing left. It's
                         ground beef. It's...it's catfood. 

                         It's kinda fucked up, huh?

                         This poor SOB might as well slap on
                         a pair a tits and start calling the
                         entry wound a vagina, cause...his
                         dick is...it's a write off.

                         Dicks don't grow back.

                         Dicks do not grow back.

               Bacon and Poop nod in concurrence.

                         I can hear everything you're
                         saying. I'm laying right here. This
                         is me, laying three feet away from
                         you, bleeding to death with no

               Poop and Bacon remain unresponsive toward Gerald's pleas.

                         Get word to HQ, we need the meat
                         wagon down here with a fresh body
                         bag, stat. And tell em' I can't
                         shake the feeling we're gonna go
                         through quite a few of those
                         today....the smell of dick-blood is
                         in the air, getting stronger by the
                         minute. Can ya feel it, Poop?
                         There's a storm a-brewin'.

                         What the fuck, guys?!

               EXT. STREETS - DAY

               MONTAGE - SLOW MOTION

               The Dickinator walks down a sidewalk, lighting his cigarette.
               He's wearing a brown leather jacket, aviator sunglasses and
               he has a mustache. 

               Two hooligans, REGINOLD and PATRICK, smoking a joint in an
               alley-way look over as The Dickinator walks toward them. 

               END MONTAGE

                                   THE DICKINATOR
                         You fellas look like you got two
                         too many dicks.



               The Dickinator pulls his gat and blasts both these fools
               dicks off. They keel over, bleeding and crying in pain.

               The Dickinator eyes them both in disgust. He tosses his
               cigarette onto the ground and walks away.

               EXT. OFFICE - DAY

               Detective Bacon stands around eating a sandwich in an office.
               Poop enters the office.

                         Hey, Poop.

                         Hey, Bacon. There was a break on
                         The Dickinator case.

               Bacon throws his sandwich across the room.

                         A BREAK ON THE DICKINATOR CASE?!

                         Yup. Apparently somebody witnessed
                         the dick-shooting this morning.
                         Central command wants us to go pick
                         him up and take him in for

                         Sounds like a job for Bacon and


               Bacon and Poop perform a perfectly synchronized secret
               friendship hand-shake and a high-five. 

                         Let's go find this witness, before
                         someone else does. Someone with a
                         much harsher disposition toward not
                         shooting people's dicks off. 

                         You're talking about that guy that
                         shot that dudes dick off earlier?

                         The very same.

                         You think he knows someone saw him?

                         Listen to me, Poop, I've been on
                         the job a lotta years and never
                         have I seen something like this.
                         Oh, sure, you get your random
                         firearm inflicted de-dickifications
                         from time to time.
                         Husband cheats on a wife, she
                         snaps, budda-bing, she shoots his
                         dick off. Hippy college kid drops
                         too many acids, takes off all his
                         clothes, looks down, holy shit a
                         snake! Budda-boom, and he shoots
                         off his dick. Eight year old boy,
                         finds his old man's .38; accidentally shoots his
                         dick off, shoots his dads dick off,
                         shoots his dogs dick off, I mean
                         sometimes things just get outta
                         hand. But those cases all made
                         sense in their own way. There's a
                         rhyme and a reason to em'. Our guy,
                         running and gunning through the
                         streets of our fair metropolis,
                         iron-sights fixed to the dick of
                         every man, woman and child in the
                         city. He's a mad dog. A dog mad
                         with a thirst. An unquenchable
                         thirst for blood. The blood of

                         It's pretty fucked up.

               Bacon walks across the room and picks up the shattered
               remnants of what was once his ham sandwich.

                         I'm gonna finish this, then we can

               EXT. STREETS - DAY

               BOBOWL strolls down a side-walk. The Dickinator drives up and
               shoots his dick off and drives away.


               INT. CAR - DAY

               Bacon and Poop cruise down the road. They see Bobowl lying on
               the side-walk.

               EXT. STREETS - DAY

               Bacon and Poop rush out of their car to the fallen man on the
               They stop short of stepping into an ever growing pool of
               crotch-blood. Bacon looks down at the crotchless man with a
               pained expression. 

                         This mother-fucker! He's always one
                         dick ahead of me! I can't stop him,
                         he's too smart. Every time I think
                         I'm closing in, he shrivels away.

                         Can one of you guys please call me
                         an ambulance? Somebody shot my dick
                         off, and I'm losing a lot of blood.

                         Another innocent's blood spilled on
                         the streets. My streets! Another
                         man's life ended before its time.

                         I actually think I'll be OK if you
                         get me to a hospital.

                         All hopes. All dreams of living a
                         rich, happy life. A life abundant
                         with still having a dick. All those
                         dreams....now flowing in a crimson
                         stream, seeping into the asphalt,
                         and spilling into the
                         sewers....like a tear....in the

                         What the fuck are you talking

                         Bacon, get a grip. I've been your
                         partner for 18 years and we always
                         get our perp. It's just a matter of

                         You're right, Poop. I let my
                         emotions get the best of me. Let's
                         go find this dick.

               A voice sounds from Poop's radio, he reaches into his car and
               grabs it.

                         What is it HQ? We've got another
                         body, here.


                         Holy shit, Bacon. Someone's seen
                         The Dickinator, we gotta roll!

               Poop and Bacon gaze at each others determined faces. They get
               into the car, clasp their hands together and peel out, never
               looking away from one and other. They leave Bowbowl for dead.

               EXT. STREETS - DAY

               Bacon and Poop's ride pulls up and stops in an empty lot.
               Bacon and Poop exit the vehicle and begin looking around.

                         This is where gunshots were

               Bacon spies a shady looking character making his way into an
               alley across the lot.

                         Over there.

               Bacon motions toward where he saw the figure. They look at
               each other, unholster their weapons and begin walking.

               EXT. ALLEY - DAY

               Bacon and Poop make it to the mouth of the alley in time to
               see The Dickinator approaching a homeless man sleeping in a
               pile of garbage. The Dickinator aims his gun at the homeless
               man's dick.


               The Dickinator notices Poop and Bacon standing at the end of
               the alley. He looks right into Bacon's eyes.

                                   BACON (CONT'D)
                         Don't you shoot that man's-

               The Dickinator shoots the homeless man's dick off.

                                   BACON (CONT'D)
                         Ah, Fuck! He shot his dick off!

               Poop and Bacon hurdle down the alley-way at top speed. The
               Dickinator fires a few rounds, forcing them to duck for
               cover, then takes off. Poop and Bacon are quickly hot on his

               EXT. EARTH - DAY

               Poop and Bacon furiously pursue The Dickinator who fires
               rounds wildly over his shoulder. Bacon is struck in the leg.
               He falls. Poop stops and kneels down next to Bacon.

                         No! Leave me! Go get that

                         I'll come back for you.

               Poop stands and hesitantly begins chasing after The
               Dickinator once more. Bacon retrieves his radio from his
               jacket and tries to radio for back-up.

                         This is officer Bacon, I need back
                         up at-

               A gunshot is heard from the distance. Bacon looks up in

                                   BACON (CONT'D)

               Bacon throws his radio away and fights through the pain of
               his bullet wound to stand. He begins limping toward the sound
               of the gunshot.

               EXT. COURTYARD - DAY

               Bacon rounds a corner entering the courtyard. Buildings on all
               sides, criss-crossed with paths and walk-ways. Bacon's eyes
               fix to something, filling with horror. He sees Poop. On the
               ground. Shot in the dick. Poop writhes in pain. Bacon drops
               to he knees and screams to the heavens.


               Bacon punches the ground.

                                   BACON (CONT'D)
                         You shot Poop's dick off!

                         He shot my dick off, bro.


                         You think you could, like, put it
                         back together?

                                   THE DICKINATOR

               Bacon looks up and sees standing across the courtyard from
               him, The Dickinator.

                                   THE DICKINATOR (CONT'D)
                         I believe you've been looking for

               Bacon stands up. He walks around Poop and squares off with
               The Dickinator.

                         I've been waiting for this moment.
                         Your days of terrorizing dicks are

                                   THE DICKINATOR
                         That may be, but not before I've
                         terrorized your dick.

                         Hey, fuck you, guy!

                                   THE DICKINATOR
                         I'm about to make you wish your
                         dick hadn't been shot off.

               The Dickinator slides his jacket back, revealing his gun
               holstered at his side. Bacon removes his jacket to reveal his
               holstered under his shoulder. They mean-mug each other for an
               extended period of time, then draw. Then simultaneously shoot
               each others dicks off. 

               They both fall to the ground, clutching their groins. They
               hit the floor across from one and other and bleed to death.

Tagged , , ,

The Joint (Short Screen-play)


RANDALL is sitting on his couch reading his lap-top. A knock
comes from the front door.

Come in.

LOUIE enters and seats himself next to Randall.

What are up to?

Watching porn.

Were you about to jerk off, cause I
can come back in a couple minutes.

No, this isn’t jerking off porn.

Alright, well put your porn away
and take a look at this.

Louie retrieves a joint from his breast pocket. It is
immaculate. Packed so full of weed it looks pregnant, but
everywhere, and not just in its uterus.

Holy scrotes!

Yeah. Its pretty badass.

If that joint were a woman, I would
have an erection.

You do have an erection.

Touche, my friend.

So are we gonna burn this fucker,
or what?

I say we get through about half.

Think again, guy. We’re taking this
one all the way. Are you with me?

My God, man? Do you have any idea
what you’re asking?

I’m asking you to get really, very,
dangerously high with me right now.

Well when you put it that way, I’m

Never give up. Never surrender.

Louie strikes a bic lighter.

Galaxy Quest.


Enough time has passed for Randall and Louie to have smoked
about half of the joint. Randall is knee-deep in a gnarly
coughing fit, face buried in hands. Louie pats him on the
back. Louie has blood droplets on his shirt and face.

You alright?

Randall sits up.

I’ve never coughed like that

What is that shit all over your
fucking hands, man?

Randall holds his hands out and looks at them, they both have a healthy coat of blood.

Holy shit. That’s blood, dude!

Where did that come from?

Look in my mouth, do I have blood
in my mouth.

Randall opens his mouth and turns his head toward Louie.
Louie peers inward to see all kinds of fucking blood in

Yeah dude. That’s full of blood.
You got it all over your mouth, and
your hands and…and the couch and
my shirt and face.

Louie stares around the room while taking a hit off the mega
joint, just now noticing the blood spattered all over.

Where did all this blood come from?
Did this all come from inside your body?

Louie takes another hit, exhales and immediately starts going
into a coughing fit of his own. Blood is ejected out of his
mouth. Globs of it violently clash with the floor and walls.
Louie turns toward Randall and accidentally coughs a splash
of blood right in his face. Randall barely even takes notice.

My throat is fucked, dude.

Randall takes the joint from Louie.

We have to go on. You quoted
Galaxy Quest.

Randall takes another hit.


Randall coughs more blood. He takes a hit. Holds it. Exhales.
Coughs even more blood.

Louie tries to hold in a cough, but the blood just starts leaking
from his nose, ears and eyes.

Randall falls to the floor, heaving and spazming with joint
in mouth.

Louie takes a hit and coughs so hard he accidentally hurls
the joint through the air. It lands, still burning. Randall
collapses onto the couch.

Louie crawls toward the joint. Dead-set on burning it to
the very end. He squirms through his own blood, still
violently coughing and choking. He stops halfway to the
joint, arm reaching out toward it. He goes still.
His eyes staring at nothing.


Randall lies on the couch. His blinking the only sign of life.

God. I’m so high.

Randall’s eyes close. He breathes his last breath. The joint
goes out. JAMAI walks into the room.

Ya’ll smokin’ weed?


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Pete: Wizard for Hire


               A cell-phone alarm goes off, PETE the Wizard laboriously
               awakes to the sound. He shuts the Alarm off, then promptly
               vomits into a trash-can. He washes the taste of vomit out
               with mouth-wash, which he swallows and chases with Vodka.

               EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY

               Pete gets into his car, lights a cigarette, puts on his
               Wizard Hat and peels out.

               EXT. BACK-YARD - DAY

               Pete and DAVE stand Dave's back-yard. Behind a nearby fence
               an incessantly barking dog can be heard.

                         He just won't stop. It's impossible
                         for me to get anything done. I'm on
                         like 3 hours of sleep a night
                         because of that thing, I can't

               Pete snaps his fingers. A bolt of lightening descends from
               the heavens, striking the dog behind the fence. There is a
               brief yelp, followed by an explosion of dog-parts. Blood
               spatters Dave's face, who stares at Pete. Pete holds out his

                         50 bucks.

               EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

               Pete stands across from a man holding a prescription pill
               bottle. Pete hands him the 50 bucks and takes the pills.


               Pete walks around town, brown-bagging a bottle of liquor. He
               downs some pills and drinks and smokes in a park as children
               play soccer near by.

               A soccer ball flies through the air, striking Pete in the
               head. Some little kids run up to grab it, but he lights it on
               fire with his Wizard Power and they run off screaming.

               Pete uses Wizard power to make a someone fall off their bike.

               Pete uses wizard power to make a bag of leaves he picked up
               off the ground look like pot, then sells it to a pack of
               middle-school kids and pockets their cash.

               Pete gets into bed. It's 2:30 in the afternoon. He polishes
               off the pills, washing them down with a sip of vodka. He uses
               his Wizard powers to turn out the lights before passing out.
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Vengeance of the Space Dinosaur: Spaceosaur kills! – Early Draft

               A scenic landscape, a comet descends from the heavens
               crashing into the country-side creating a glowing mushroom
               cloud and a tremendous shock-wave.

               EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY

               A young couple picnics in the hills, the woman is pregnant.

                         Well you know you're not supposed
                         to ride roller-coasters when you're

                         That's absurd, children love roller

               The SPACEOSAUR erupts into the scene. He smooshes the man's
               head to death with his space reeboks, blood sprays all over
               the pregnant lady and fucking everywhere as she screams. The
               Spaceosaur turns to the girl.

                                   PREGNANT LADY
                         Don't hurt my baby!

               The Spaceosaur sinks his claws into her uterus and tears her
               fetus from her stomach, the woman dies as she watches The
               Spaceosaur feasting upon her unborn child.



                                   GENERAL ROGER
                         Thor! Scanners have discovered an
                         extraterrestrial entity operating
                         in sector P-42. We need you to
                         track it down and eliminate it. 

               Thor shoots General Roger in the leg.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         That's Commander Laserpunch to you,
                         general douche-dick. 

               General Roger limps away crying. Thor gears up, preparing for

               EXT. STREETS - DAY

               MASTER ROBOT exits his car-spaceship on the streets of a
               city. He is immediately approached by a homeless man, seeking

                         Got any spare change?

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         The only thing I can spare... is

               Master Robot removes his laser-caster and destroys the
               homeless man. He walks away. He's wearing sunglasses. 

               EXT. HILLS - DAY

               The Spaceosaur stomps around like a dinosaur. And growls and
               shit. Um. He finds a puppy walking around he bends down to
               pet it, then he picks it up and puts it in his spaceosaur
               jaws. Puppy blood stains the hills crimson. Spaceosaur roars
               to the heavens as he holds the dead puppy aloft in a clenched
               and bloodstained fist.

               EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY

               Thor Laserpunch tracks the Spaceosaur to the scene of the
               picnic slaughter. He eats one of the blood spattered
               sandwiches for lunch. A laserbeam zooms through the air by
               his head.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Jesus FUCK!

               Thor whirls around, drawing his side-arm. In front of him now
               stands Master Robot. They aim their weapons at one and other.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH (CONT'D)
                         Who the fuck are you?!

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Master Robot!

               MORE LASERS! Thor dodges them, and fires his pistol hitting
               Master Robot in the chest. The bullets have no effect. Master
               Robot fires yet more lasers.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Stop shooting lasers at me!

                                   MASTER ROBOT

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         So I take it you're the alien.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         No, you're the alien!

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Bullshit, you're an alien.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         No, you are.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         You're on my planet!

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Your planet is an alien, too!

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         How dare you!

               They continue exchanging fire.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH (CONT'D)
                         Did you eat this baby?!

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         No, it was the Spaceosaur.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         I'm after the Spaceosaur, too. Why
                         don't we work together?

                                   MASTER ROBOT

               They both put their weapons away and shake hands.

                                   MASTER ROBOT (CONT'D)
                         I'm Master Robot, as I said
                         earlier. You are?

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Thor Laserpunch!

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Nice to meet you.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         You too.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Wanna burn a J?

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Of course I do.

               EXT. HILLS - DAY

               Two dudes sit on the tailgate of a pick-up, slamming beers.

                                   DUDE 1
                         A couch, a refrigerator box and a
                         tarp. That's all I need.

                                   DUDE 2
                         I like to put paprika on my brown
                         rice, spice it up a bit.

                                   DUDE 1
                         I'm going to pee somewhere far

                                   DUDE 2
                         I know it seems gay, but something
                         about my neighbors dog just does it
                         for me.

               EXT. EARTH - DAY

               Dude 1 walks a distance from Dude 2, he unzips he pants and
               commences urination. A sickening chomping sound is heard,
               Dude 1 looks down to see THE FUCKING SPACEOSAUR TOTALLY
               BITING HIS DICK OFF! And blood is spraying fucking
               EVERYWHERE! Dick blood. The darkest shade of blood.

                                   DUDE 1
                         My dick! MY DICK! A DINOSAUR IS
                         EATING MY DICK!

               Dude 1 falls over, dead from de-dickification. 

               EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY

               Dude 2 sits and drinks more beer. The Spaceosaur approaches.
               Dude 2 turns and looks at it.

                                   DUDE 2
                         Holy shit, a fucking dinosaur!

               Dude 2 tries to run but the Spaceosuar grabs him and hurls
               him into the truck, exploding his fucking head like a melon
               filled with human brains. Everywhere.

               EXT. HILLS - DAY

               Master Robot and Thor Laserpunch sit smoking a doobie.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         So why do they call you Master

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Because I AM the master robot.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Right on.

               Screaming is heard from the distance.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH (CONT'D)
                         Did you hear that?

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Of course I did, my ears are robot.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Is it the Spaceosaur?

               Master Robot nods.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH (CONT'D)
                         Lets rock n' roll this mother

               Master Robot and Commander Thor Laserpunch do a jump-five and
               run towards the source of the screams.

               EXT. OUTSIDE - DAY

               Thor and Master Robot find the dickless Dude 1, lying in the
               dirt in a pool of his own crotch-blood. Dead. Then they find
               Dude 2's fucking exploded head by the truck.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         Holy cock, this Spaceosaur has a
                         thirst for murder beyond that of
                         any Spaceosaur I've ever
                         encountered before this Spaceosaur.

               SPACEOSAUR jumps out and punches Thor right in his fucking

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Holy shit!

               Master Robot draws his laser beam gun and takes aim.

                                   MASTER ROBOT
                         LASER FUCK!

               He shoots lasers at the Spaceosaur but the lasers have no
               effect. He must resort to break-dance fighting. They fight
               while Thor collects himself. Spaceosaur bitch-slaps Master
               Robot to the ground. Thor aims his fucking MACHINE GUN at the
               SPACEOSAUR and opens fire.

                                   THOR LASERPUNCH
                         Burn in space-hell, fuck-ass!

               The bullets have no effect. Thor abandons his gun. Thor and
               Master Robot briefly fight the Spaceosaur, but the power of
               the Spaceosaur is too great. He drops Thor with a left hook
               to the liver, before turning and slapping Master Robots head
               right the fuck off. He then walks to Thor and hacks him to
               balls with a Samurai Sword. 

               The Spaceosaur stands, arms raised in victory. But then THE
               WIZARD is all like--

                         Wizard POWER!

               The Wizard kills the shit out of the Spaceosaur with Wizard

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         Wizard POWER!

                         They sent me from Wizard Planet.

               A Space Ship flies and shoots laser-beams at The Wizard, but
               the Wizard shoots Wizard-Beams and destroys the Space-ship.

                                   WIZARD (CONT'D)
                         Wizard POW-

               The Wizard is cut off when the SPACEOSAUR returns as ZOMBIE
               SPACEOSAUR and garrotes that dirty fucking wizard to death.
               Spaceosaur raises his arms in victory once more.

                                   NARRATOR (V.O.)

Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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