Tag Archives: short screenplay

Wizard Pete vs The Karate Douche (Short Script)

INT. PETE’S ROOM – DAY

Pete’s front door stands completely open, the days light
falls into the room. STAN walks through the door-frame.

STAN
Pete? You hear?

Stan looks across the room and sees Pete hanging half way
through the window on the back wall, his legs dangling
outside and head and arms lolling lifelessly about two feet
above the carpeted floor on the inside. One hand grasps an
empty vodka bottle.

STAN (CONT’D)
Holy shit!

Stan walks over to Pete and pokes him.

STAN (CONT’D)
Dude, are you fucking alive right
now?

Pete awakes, punching blindly and feebly toward Stan and
groaning before lifting his head to survey his surroundings.

PETE
Am I upside down or is the world
upside down?

STAN
It’s you, man.

Pete tosses his empty bottle and wiggles out of the window
frame falling to the floor with a thud. He stands, stumbles
around a bit, then holds up his hand and makes a full fifth
of vodka appear out of thin air within it. He takes a hearty
swig before lighting a cigarette and plopping down on the
couch. Pete reaches to the floor and picks up his ragged,
brown Wizard Hat and puts it on.

STAN (CONT’D)
Why were you sleeping in the
window, Pete?

PETE
I think I drank the keys to my
front door.

STAN
What? Why?

PETE
Probably because I ran out of
booze.

STAN
Oh, well. Alright. So, anyway. I
need your help, Pete. And others
do, as well. See, there’s this guy
who moved into my neighborhood,
right? And, fuck, man…he’s super
good at karate…

PETE
Karate?

STAN
But he’s a douche. He just uses his
superior karate skills to push
people around. He’s always running
around, pushing over trash-cans or
slapping drinks out of peoples
hands.

PETE
But I do those things…

STAN
Yeah, but not in my neighborhood. I
mean, he’s terrorizing us, and no
one can stand up to him because he
just busts out with the karate. So,
what’ll it take?

PETE
I demand to be awarded a tribute of
20 dollars for every house under
direct threat from this mans
karate. I also wish bestowments of
19 packs of Newports and a 4 liters
of vodka. In shooters.

STAN
Done!

Stan attempts a hand-shake, but Pete meets his hand with a
flaming bic lighter.

PETE
Get out, I need to take my mid
afternoon hangover nap.
But, know this, once you have
presented me with the cash,
cigarettes and vodka, I will
destroy your karate douche, in the
middle of the streets, for all to
see.

STAN
Thanks, Pete!

PETE
Fuck off.

EXT. STAN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Stan walks up the side-walk. From behind an oak tree the
KARATE-DOUCHE leaps, landing mere inches in front of Stan.

STAN
Holy shit!

KARATE DOUCHE
The fuck are you walking for?

STAN
I’m not allowed to drive on the
side-walk.

KARATE DOUCHE
Show me your wallet.

STAN
What? Why would you want to see my
wallet.

KARATE DOUCHE
I want to see what kind of wallet
you have. Hold it out and let me
look at it.

STAN
Fine, I guess.

Stan takes his wallet from his pocket and displays it for the
Karate Douche, who promptly, and with great zeal, smacks the
wallet out of Stan’s hand and clear onto the streets. Karate
Douche laughs and walks away.

KARATE DOUCHE
Fag!

Stan stares at the Karate Douche, incensed. Burning with
rage.

STAN
Your time has nearly come, Karate
Douche. Soon…

INT. PETE’S ROOM – DAY

There is a knock on Pete’s door. Pete opens it to find Stan,
holding a wad of cash and a bag filled with Newports and
vodka shooters. Pete stares at these items for a moment.

PETE
You have done well.

INT. PETE’S ROOM – DAY

All of the vodka bottles lie empty on the floor at Pete’s
feet. He smokes two Newports at a time, with a near-by ash
tray overflowing with butts.

STAN
You really think you should be
drinking and smoking so much with a
big fight coming up?

PETE
Fight? I’m a fucking wizard, I
don’t fight. I let my fire-lasers
and electro-swords do my fighting
for me. When is this fracas set to
take place, anyhow?

Stan looks at his watch.

STAN
Like 15 minutes.

Pete tosses his car-keys to Stan.

PETE
You’re driving. Let’s get this show
on the road.

EXT. STAN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Pete and Stan pull up in Pete’s car. Pete fails in his
attempt to exit the vehicle without falling over, but he
picks himself up off of the ground with minimal effort. Stan
comes over to stand by Pete’s side. He points to across the
street where the Karate Douche walks.

STAN
There he is, Pete! Kick his ass!

Stan looks over to where Pete was standing only to find Pete
has lain down face first in the grass of a strangers front
yard. Completely unconscious.

STAN (CONT’D)
Goddamnit, Pete! Now’s your time to
shine!

Stan runs over and starts kicking Pete. Pete wakes up, and
groggily stands.

PETE
That grass looked like my bed for a
second.

STAN
Fight him, Pete!

PETE
Who?

Pete looks around and sees the Karate Douche.

PETE (CONT’D)
Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Pete steps forward and clears his throat before shouting to
the Karate Douche.

PETE (CONT’D)
Hey, you!

The Karate Douche turns and glares at Pete.

PETE (CONT’D)
You that Karate Douche I’ve been
hearing about?

KARATE DOUCHE
Maybe. You that Wizard Douche, what lives
on the other side of town?

PETE
Yeah.

KARATE DOUCHE
Right on.

PETE
Hey, man. I take no issue with your
behavior or general etiquette, but
regardless, I’m gonna have to rock
your shit, here, bro. You’re going
down.

KARATE DOUCHE
Is this a challenge, Wizard? Do you
wish to engage in a duel?

PETE
Yep.

KARATE DOUCHE
So be it, then. Let us retire to
the fields of honorable and
righteous combat.

PETE
Where’s that?

EXT. KARATE-DOUCHE’S BACKYARD – DAY

Pete and Stan stand side by side, across a lawn from The
Karate Douche. The yard is fenced and is decorated with a
kiddie pool, a broken down picnic table and inhabited a hyper
active dog that will not leave anyone the fuck alone.

KARATE DOUCHE
My back-yard.

PETE
This is your back-yard?

KARATE DOUCHE
Correct.

PETE
It’s shitty.

KARATE DOUCHE
Be that as it may…fuck you. Will
you strike the first blow, Wizard
or must I be the one to take the
offensive?

PETE
Allow me to answer that question
with a-

Pete shoots lightening bolts at The Karate Douche. Karate
Douche summons his chi into his arms and holds them in front
of his face as a shield to block Pete’s lightening attack.
Eventually he is able to repel the lightening completely.
Pete ceases his attacks.

KARATE DOUCHE
Ha. That shit was weak. Check this
out!

The Karate Douche begins walking toward Pete, pausing
often to take on various karate stances and implement a
number of different karate maneuvers.

PETE
You look fucking retarded right now.

The Karate Douche comes within range of Pete and launches a
duel-fisted Chi-Ram, producing a mighty explosion which
knocks Pete to the ground.

PETE (CONT’D)
I am entirely too sober for this.
Time to put an end to you once and
for all, Ass-shit!

The Karate Douche strides toward Pete, intent on following up
his attack. Pete lifts himself back to his feet.

KARATE DOUCHE
How do you plan to do that, Wizard?
I’ve already proven my Karate
Powers are far more potent than
your-

Pete claps his hands. The Karate Douche’s face contorts in
pain. He falls to the floor, curling up in a fetal position.
Nearly unable to speak, obviously in immense pain.

KARATE DOUCHE (CONT’D)
W-h-what did you….

PETE
I just gave you testicular cancer.
Advanced. Inoperable. Fatal.  Just a little
spell I picked up back on Wizard
Island all those centuries
ago…anyway, have fun with that.

Stan runs up to Pete and raises his arms in the air in
celebration.

STAN
You did it, Pete! You beat that
douche!

PETE
Of course I did. I’m a fucking
wizard.

Pete turns and unceremoniously walks away, while Stan
brutally kicks and taunts the Karate Douche, who lay on the
ground curled up and shaking in pain and terror.

INT. PETE’S ROOM – DAY

Pete sits down on his couch, and lights a Newport.

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