INT. ROOM - DAY
Brian sits on his couch in his cramped living room, smoking
MARIJUANA from an empty can of SPRITE. He is seated on a
couch situated across from a desk holding a lap-top and
television. There's a forceful knock at the front door. From
outside ROGER's voice can be hear shouting.
ROGER
I'm a fucking werewolf, bro!!
BRIAN
Roger?
ROGER
Yes it's fucking Roger, let me in!
Roger begins frantically pounding on the door. Brian shakes
his head in disapproval and frustration. He takes his time
getting up to answer the door. When he does Roger rushes past
him into the room holding a bundle of rope. Roger is haggard
and filthy. He's covered in bruises and scrapes, his hair is
a mess and his clothes are shredded.
ROGER (CONT'D)
I'm a fucking werewolf, bro!
Brian stares at Roger, who stands panting, panicked and crazy
eyed. Brian's face is a mask of incredulity.
BRIAN
I have a hard time believing that,
Roger.
Roger begins darting from direction to direction, pacing back
and forth. He violently shakes his head and grabs at clumps
of his hair.
ROGER
No, dude, you don't understand!
BRIAN
Look-
ROGER
No, you look! I was smoking with
some friends the other night, and
as I was walking home I
I...changed...
BRIAN
Changed?
ROGER
Everything went black. I can barely
remember a thing. Just thirst. An
ungodly thirst for...murder...
BRIAN
The preferred beverage of
werewolves...
ROGER
When I woke up I was in an alley. I
was covered in cuts and scrapes and
my clothes were destroyed...
BRIAN
Come on, dude. You probably just
smoked laced weed like those other
times.
ROGER
One time!
BRIAN
Several times. Remember when you
were on the roof trying to cut
pigeons in half with an oar?
ROGER
So like four times, but not this
time! Listen, this morning I read a
newspaper.
BRIAN
That is unusual.
ROGER
No, dude, there was a story about a
murder!
BRIAN
People are murdered every day.
ROGER
But where I woke up was like right
where they went missing.
Brian gazes at Roger.
ROGER (CONT'D)
Or like 9 miles away-
BRIAN
Come on, man!
ROGER
A werewolf can cover 9 miles in
minutes on foot!
BRIAN
On foot? As opposed to what? A
segway?
ROGER
Why would a werewolf ride a segway?
Werewolves are way faster than
segways...
BRIAN
Maybe it's crippled.
ROGER
Werewolves can't be crippled, they
have a supernatural healing factor.
Brian, these are basic facts, I
can't believe I need to explain
these things to you.
BRIAN
This is fucking retarded.
ROGER
Plus, the corpse was covered in
shit!
BRIAN
What the fuck does that have to do
with anything?
ROGER
Everyone knows werewolves shit on
fresh kills.
BRIAN
You're just making this up!
ROGER
You can't make up the truth, bro.
That's impossible. Now hold onto
your dick, cause I got even more
proof.
Brian runs out the door only to return almost immediately,
now holding a bulbous garbage bag in one hand.
ROGER (CONT'D)
I woke up in an alley surrounded by
these.
Roger upturns a garbage bag full of dead half-eaten fish and
empty fried chicken receptacles.
BRIAN
What the fuck is wrong with you
dude! Don't just pour trash on my
floor!
ROGER
It's not trash! Or, it is...how do
you not understand what this
means?!
BRIAN
You smoked angel dust and spent all
night eating trash in alleyways
across town? It's a miracle you
weren't robbed, or murdered or
raped.
ROGER
That's insane. Who would rape a
werewolf? Who could rape a
werewolf?
BRIAN
Another werewolf could, or a yeti,
or a Minotaur, chupacabra.
ROGER
Two of those things are imaginary,
the only way a chupacabra could
ever rape a werewolf would be
through subterfuge and trickery,
and counting me there are probably
only like 15 werewolves in the
whole of the Americas, and
therefore it would be very unlikely
for there to be another in the same
proximity.
BRIAN
But it is possible you were roofied
by a chupacabra?
ROGER
Start take this shit seriously,
dude!
BRIAN
For fucks sake...
ROGER
Dude, I woke up covered in blood.
This shit is for real.
BRIAN
Could it have been from all those
cuts you have all over your body?
ROGER
No, I must have killed someone. If
I concentrate really hard I get
flashes. I keep remembering this
old homeless guys face...I think I
ate him.
BRIAN
Or maybe you just got your ass
kicked by a hobo crack-head.
ROGER
I've had it up to here with your
wild theories, Brian. Stop trying
to cloud the issue, my being a
werewolf is what we need to be
focusing on.
Brian glares at Roger.
ROGER (CONT'D)
Alright man, I'm done trying to
convince you, just humor me.
Please. Tie me up. If I don't turn
into a werewolf you can untie me
and I'll go. I promise.
Roger puts his hands together as though petitioning for mercy
Brian continues to glare at him for several more seconds, but
finally relents.
BRIAN
Fucking fine.
Roger sighs in relief.
INT. BRIAN'S ROOM - DAY
Roger is now roped securely to a wood chair across the room
from Brian who fiddles around on his LAPTOP.
ROGER
So, hypothetically, if my scrotum
were to start itching-
BRIAN
You'd be on your own.
Brian takes a hit from his SPRITE pipe and continues messing
around on his computer.
ROGER
Hey, man. Do you think I can get a
hit of that?
BRIAN
Yeah, fine.
Brian takes another hit before getting up and walking over to
Roger.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Hold still.
Brian puts the SPRITE CAN WHICH IS A PIPE to Roger's mouth
and lights. Roger inhales for a few moments before abruptly
coughing, and spewing the contents of the pipe into the air
in a puff of weed crumbs and ash. Brian forlornly watches the
contents of his can-pipe slowly drift to the groun.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Come on, man!
Roger coughs a few times.
ROGER
I'm sorry, bro!
BRIAN
It was my last bowl!
ROGER
I said I was sorry!
BRIAN
You owe me a bowl.
ROGER
I swear I'll get you back.
BRIAN
That's what you always say.
ROGER
Sorry.
BRIAN
Whatever.
Brian tosses the can and sits back down at his desk. With a
few clicks starts a movie. From across the room Roger strains
to fix his eyes to the inconveniently located monitor. He
gazes at Brian for a moment.
ROGER
Hey, man. You think you could turn
the screen my way a little?
BRIAN
You're still asking for favors?
ROGER
It'll only take you a second.
BRIAN
Will you shut up if I do?
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Yes. I promise.
Brian turns the monitor toward Roger.
Roger and Brian watch the crocodile related movie for several
silent seconds before Roger throws his head back and moans.
ROGER
This movie sucks, bro!
Before Brian can retort there's a knock from his front door.
A voice is heard through the door. The voice of BAMBELJACKS.
BAMBELJACKS
Yo, it's Bambeljacks.
BRIAN
Come in.
Bambeljacks opens the door and steps into the room, his eyes
immediately fixing to Roger, bound in a chair on the other
end of the room.
BAMBELJACKS
Holding someone for ransom?
BRIAN
No.
BAMBELJACKS
Is it a sex thing?
BRIAN
NO!
ROGER
I'm Roger.
Roger nods at Bambeljacks.
BAMBELJACKS
That's rad, bro.
BRIAN
What do you want?
BAMBELJACKS
I was actually hoping I could pick
up some tree...
BRIAN
Not a good time. Come back later.
BAMBELJACKS
Later like...?
BRIAN
From now. Later from now. In the
future, relative to the
present...get the fuck out of here.
BAMBELJACKS
Right.
Bambeljacks leaves. Brian turns to Roger.
BRIAN
You're fucking up my whole day, you
know that?
ROGER
Dude, will you stop giving me shit?
I'm sorry that I spoiled the 2 hour
masturbation session and X-files
marathon you had scheduled, but I'm
dealing with serious issues here!
BRIAN
What the fuck are you talking
about?
ROGER
The psychological torment of
knowing you've been stricken with
the curse of lycanthropy is
unfathomable to you!
BRIAN
You're what's unfathomable to me.
ROGER
That's bull-shit, dude. I'm hella
fathomable.
Brian sighs deeply in exasperation and briefly massages his
forehead.
BRIAN
So, when the fuck are you supposed
to turn into a werewolf anyway?
ROGER
As soon as the moon rises.
BRIAN
The moon rises? It's fucking 3:30
in the afternoon!
ROGER
3:30? You mean I'm gonna be tied in
this chair for two more hours?!
BRIAN
I guess.
ROGER
What if I have to piss?
BRIAN
This was your idea!
ROGER
But it's only mid-day, when have
you ever heard of anyone turning
into a werewolf at 3:30 in the
afternoon? On a Sunday, no less.
BRIAN
If you didn't have such a poor
grasp of the day night/cycle and
had a little more foresight, you
wouldn't even be asking that
question.
ROGER
Well just untie me and re-tie me in
a couple hours.
BRIAN
You are just determined to piss me
off, aren't you?
ROGER
It'll take you 30 seconds, dude,
come on! Stop being such a drama
queen.
BRIAN
Me a drama queen? You're the one
who ran in here screaming that he
was a werewolf, bleeding and
throwing trash everywhere!
ROGER
This is a legitimate emergency,
it's more than reasonable for me to
be a little flustered.
BRIAN
A legitimate emergency?
ROGER
People don't turn into werewolves
every day!
BRIAN
You're not a werewolf! You're a
suggestible, simple-minded, stoner
with an inferior ability to not
smoked laced pot, and a generally
deficient sense of the difference
between fantasy and reality.
ROGER
It will be easier for you if you
just untie me. I won't bother you
again until sundown. Honest.
Brian shakes his head.
BRIAN
Fine. Whatever.
Brian grudgingly walks over to the chair and begins straining
at the knots, but failing to undo them. He grows increasingly
agitated before finally throwing his hands up.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
Fuck this! I can't untie this shit!
ROGER
What? What kind of knot did you
use?
BRIAN
There are different kinds of knots?
ROGER
Yeah, bro, there's like a million
knots! What kind did you use?
BRIAN
I don't know...custom?
ROGER
There's no such thing as a custom
knot! You gotta get me out of here,
man. I'm gonna piss.
BRIAN
Are you fucking serious?
ROGER
Wait, I know what we can do...do
you have any bottles?
Brian stares at Roger, face twitching with the sheer force of
annoyance.
BRIAN
You know what, man...fuck this. I'm
going to get something to eat.
ROGER
Oh, sweet. Were you thinking like
fajitas...?
BRIAN
You know what, fajitas sound
awesome.
ROGER
Yes! Just get back quick so I can
eat them before I turn into a
werewolf. I still have to pee,
too...
BRIAN
Oh, did I give the impression I was
getting you something?
ROGER
What?
BRIAN
Yeah, fuck you, Roger.
Brian walks out the front door, giving Roger the finger.
ROGER
You're gonna look like an ass-hole
when I turn into a werewolf!
EXT. OUTSIDE BRIAN'S ROOM - NIGHT
Bambeljacks lies in a pool of blood, covered in claw marks,
outside of Brian's front door, which has been busted open.
The chair inside has been crushed and the rope ripped apart.
Brian stands over Bambeljack's corpse with a bag of left-over
fajitas.
BRIAN
...Balls...
A distant, unearthly, howl echoes through the night.
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